Written by Monkey Woods
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Wednesday, 4 April 2007

image for Boat Race Cancelled
This is how the crowds like to see the Boat Race

This weekend's annual Boat Race between the world's two most famous universities, Oxford and Cambridge, has been cancelled, due to boredom.

The race, from Putney to Mortlake, is absolutely pointless, and only ever holds any excitement for the public if one of the boats sinks.

In an effort to 'spice up' the contest two years ago, organisers fitted an outboard motor to each of the boats.
Last year, both crews were coxed by naked black women with enormous breasts and a basket of fruit on their heads, but even this last-ditch attempt didn't spark any interest amongst the public, although winning crew Oxford managed to shave nearly 8 minutes off the Race record.

In the first Boat Race in 1651, the Oxford boat, skippered by R. Crusoe was swept down the Thames and out to sea. The crew were found clinging to French rocks, but Crusoe was never seen again.

Then, in 1851, Capt Ahab of Cambridge became distracted by a large brown trout in the river, and pursued his quarry all the way to the coast of Greenland, eventually finishing the race a distant second.

Oxford coach Bob Woolman, and his Cambridge counterpart Bob Woolhouse, were downcast at the news of the race's cancellation.

"This looks like the end of the Boat Race. It's a shame for a couple of old dodderers like us. I don't know what will become of us" said Bob.

"We'll probably end up collecting trolleys at Tesco."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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