Asslete Pharmaceuticals announced today that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved Vitalecillin® (vitale baldinate) for the treatment of patients with March Madness Disorder
The FDA approval was based primarily on results of a pivotal clinical trial, where patients taking Vitalecillin® showed statistically significant disinterest in NCAA Basketball Tournaments starting as early as tip-off of the play-in game compared to those taking placebo This apathy continued throughout the Final Four and Championship game. Additional benefits included increased productivity at work, minimal arousal at Cinderella stories, and a reduction in suicidal ideation amongst Duke alumni.
More than twenty-seven million American adults are affected by March Madness, a serious psychiatric condition also known as Pervasive Tournament Sleep Disorder (PTSD). Patients with March Madness are symptomatic almost one-twelfth of their lives. Characterized by gambling, mood swings, and unusual interest in Butler University. March Madness endsin depression for 95% of all afflicted, and virtually 100% of mid-major attendees.
Vitalecillin® is not without its detractors. In a heated interview on this morning's Today Show, actor Tom Cruise repeatedly jumped up and down on his chair cackling, "Bracketology is a pseudoscience There is no such thing as March Madness."
Asslete Pharmaceuticals, however, is dismissive of such criticisms. "The approval of Vitalecillin® provides bracketologists and their patients with a single medication to treat both the depressive and manic episodes associated with March Madness," said Brent Musburger, Asslete's Executive Director of Drug Development. "It's awesome baby!"