Written by Stan Iikaan
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Sunday, 18 March 2007

image for Boston Red Sox Add New (Odd) Pitcher

Boston, MA-- The Boston Red Sox broke the color barrier, the gender barrier, and, well, any other barrier there might have been today with the signing of Charles.

Charles has no last name, and is considered the Sox' top prospect. He'll be starting the year at Lowell with the Spinners.

What makes this odd, however, is that Charles is an orangutan.

Now, before you ask yourself, "What!?", listen to this quote by manager Tito Francona: "That monkey walked onto the field all by himself, after he (the owner) schedualed a meeting between us. I figured he'd be here with the monkey, but Chuck just walked onto the field by himself. We were all thinking this was a joke, but when he went into the dugout and grabbed a bat, we figured, 'why not just see what this thing can do?' You know? If nothing, it would have been funny. So we sent this monkey through all the endurance, speed, and strength tests we would for any minor leaguer, and sure enough the thing destroyed the test records. I was astounded. I decided to put it through some BP, and sure enough it was one hell of a contact hitter. To put it bluntly, I'm astounded."

Scouts know little about Charles, which could mean he could see some good time in the big leagues, considering there's no scouting report on how to pitch to him.

So save up your money kids, Charles jerseys go on sale Tuesday for $129.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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