Written by King David
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Sunday, 11 March 2007

image for Tyler Hansbrough through the heart of darkness resurrected
Tyler Hansbrough resurrected--notice sky-blue UNC colors above stone heads

Watching yesterday's game against Boston College, it was evident that the power forward for the North Carolina Tarheels nicknamed, "Psycho T" was getting his game back.

On March 4 against Duke University, the 6-foot-9 already homely sophomore, fractured his nose, compounding appearance problems, after Duke freshman descended from Zulu warriors, Gerald Henderson came crashing down with a flagrant forearm on a rebound to his face.

Henderson, whose blood line links him to African bushmen, who in rite-of-passage ceremonies, usually knock out several of the teeth of young male African warriors when they become of age and circumcised them with sharp stones, was suspended for one game for doing what probably came naturally to him in the first place.

"We're dealing with prima materia stuff here," said Dr. Sigmund Soda athlete brain analyst. "When you look at these boys, or young men out there playing, there is more going on than meets the eye."

Hansbrough who was far less assertive on the offensive end in Friday's game against Florida State and donning a mask was resurrected yesterday after coming back to pick up 13 rebounds in UNC's 71-56 win over Boston College.

Commenting about the mask Hansbrough said, "It cuts my vision, I can only see African warriors sometimes. ... It makes it seem like the basketball is shrinking like a shrunken head. Oh, I wish I were back in Missouri sometimes with Jadie walking down the dirt road to the swimming hole."

After grabbing the first rebound in yesterday's game, the newly initiated 21-year-old didn't let up. Still struggling with his shot and making only four of 10 attempts, finishing the game with only nine points, he was more aggressive and seemed to be getting more in line with the rhythm of the mask.

"Now, he really does look crazy," said teammate and chic pick-up buddy, Brandon Wright. "The police down on Franklin Street are really going to have a time with him."

But this didn't bother him. Hansbrough admitted that he has always been a Jason fan. "I grew up watching Jason and Freddy Krueger. What else was there to do in Columbia? There was a nice mall and that was about it."

UNC team psychologist, Dr. Sigmund Soda, said that the mask could be a psychological deterrent for the other team, especially if Tyler works in some kind of dance while he is playing.

But Tyler and the Tarheels are going to need all the help they can get in today's ACC tournament's final game against a red-hot wolf pack.

Hansbrough was apparently seen early this morning walking into a Tampa's Public Library to research African tribal rite-of-passage dance ceremonies and speaking to several UNC band members to see if they could work something out to put the shoe on the other foot.

Tip off and game time is at 12:30 est.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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