Written by James Wallin
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Friday, 9 February 2007

image for Italian hooligans forced to fight behind closed doors
The distressing scenes in Catania. Eyewitnesses report that the trouble started after a bout of stretching broke out.

The Italian Football Association have decreed that following the appalling scenes in Catania last week, where a football match erupted inside the stadium mid-way through the Catania vs The Police fixture, all major league and amateur hooliganism will now be played out behind closed doors.

The hooligan season will resume this Sunday but authorities have enforced a country-wide ban on football players being present during matches until all stadiums meet new security requirements. The new laws demand that barriers be erected around the pitch to stop anyone getting on there and playing football, while anyone entering the stadiums will be searched thoroughly for objects which could be used to incite a kick-about.

Italy's minister for rucks, Giovanni Ultras said yesterday: "It is a scandal that a nation which produced the world champions in match-rigging less than a year ago should now be humbled by this appalling scourge of sport. We must eradicate this evil from our stadiums and get back to doing what we do best: smashing stuff up and throwing flares about".

Milan's Champion's League tie with Celtic will be played out at a neutral venue which is expected to be the car park outside "The Slug and Lettuce" on Friar Street.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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