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Monday, 17 February 2014

Pyongyang, North Korea-Although North Korea had hoped to field an Olympic team for the Sochi Winter Games, government officials forcibly disbanded the team after discovering that it had consumed about 10% of the national food supply. "Although every North Korean can subsist on a single grain of rice and the love of the Supreme Leader, our Olympians must be well-fed in order to win glory for the Democratic People's Republic of Korea," says Kim Seong, one of the officials responsible for dissolving the team. "Unfortunately, we did not realize how greedy they would be."

The North Korean team began with 51 athletes, but dropped to 47 after the entire cross-country team defected by skiing across South Korean borders. The remaining athletes quickly emptied several food stockpiles, including the country's entire reserves of yogurt. "Sometimes I think these boys love yogurt even more than the Supreme Leader!" said Park Jun-ho, a North Korean coach who was immediately arrested and executed for questioning the loyalty of the Olympic team.

Even after several figure skaters died by falling through the frozen pond being used as a rink, the athletes' excessive consumption caused severe food shortages throughout the country. "We gave up our village's potato so that our Olympians may eat," said Lee Min-seo, "and all of us will die gladly to give a North Korean the opportunity to place fifth in short track."

Officials attempted to address these shortages by restricting the athletes' diet and further reducing the size of the team, allowing only the low-calorie sport of curling. Yet after Kim Jong-un was heard commenting that curling was "a kind of stupid-looking sport," the entire team was finally dissolved. North Korea plans on focusing its efforts on the 2016 Summer Olympics, where the North Korean army's legendary timing and precision should win the gold in synchronized swimming.

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