Written by Mitchell Scott
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Thursday, 19 December 2013

image for Mike Shanahan Receives Endorsement Deal

Despite the swirling rumors behind the now publicly discussed in-house battling between Dan Snyder, Robert Griffin III ("Bob"), and Mike Shanahan ("Red Lobster"), the truth is just beginning to emerge.

At the end of last season, according to reports, Bob received an endorsement deal from the popular restaurant chain, Red Lobster. The company negotiated free shrimp, lobsters, and diet cokes for Bob, as long as he remained the starting quarterback for the Washington Redskins. When Shanahan heard of this likely deal, he grew jealous and complained, "I am the only Red Lobster in this town! No way that Bob is going to steal all that delicious, sweet butter sauce and shrimp from me." At Dan Snyder's urging, who also is a patron of the Red Lobster chain, Bob decided to forgo the endorsement to keep the peace between his overpaid coach and star quarterback.

However, in the off-season, while Bob was still rehabilitating, he and Snyder would sneak away to Red Lobster, where they ate for hours, sipping wine, and talking about love, life, and how they, without the Red Lobster, would bring the Redskins back to the top of the NFL. Shanahan, who would often dine at Olive Garden with Snyder, and eat countless parmesan bread sticks, became insanely irate of the emerging relationship between the beleaguered owner and Bob.

As the relationship began to boil hotter than the water needed to cook the lobsters, Shanahan decided to punish Bob by sitting him on the bench, calling terrible plays, and only playing 9 Redskins on defense. The team suffered tremendously. According to an anonymous player, "we knew what the Red Lobster was doing to our team. He was much happier when he ate at Olive Garden frequently with Snyds."

As the losses mounted, Bob secretly accepted the original deal from Red Lobster. Shanahan heard about the deal, learned about the contract, and decided to bench Bob in favor of Kirk Cousin, negating the endorsement since Bob was no longer the starting quarterback. To spite Bob and Snyder, Shanahan agreed to a different endorsement deal with Red Lobster. According to a Red Lobster spokesman, he is now receiving unlimited amounts of food, and Snyder and Bob are only allowed to eat at Red Lobster if THE Red Lobster gives permission.

Bob and Snyder are contemplating suing Red Lobster for breach of contract and other tort claims (none having to do with eating gobs of butter sauce).

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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