Written by Michael Balton
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Friday, 15 November 2013

image for Mr. Met Traded to the Cubs For a Year's Supply of Steroids
The Mets' new mascots will also help park cars at Citi Field.

Flushing, New York - Desperate to improve a team that has become the laughing stock of major league baseball, the New York Mets have traded their beloved mascot, Mr. Met, to the Chicago Cubs in exchange for a shipment of super steroids.

The supply of performance-enhancing drugs is large enough to juice up every player on the team for the entire 2014 season.

"We missed out on the excitement of baseball's steroid era because of my bad," explained Fred Wilpon, principal owner of the Mets. "I got confused between the names steroids and Cialis. So when the steroid sales guy came around, I thought he was selling boner pills and I passed. We've been a losing team ever since."

Because the Mets are generally 10 years behind the times, Major League Baseball is allowing the team to "grandfather in" the use of steroids for just one season. "My grandfather used steroids and he wasn't even an athlete," said baseball commissioner Bud Selig. "But yet he claimed to be a switch hitter. I don't think that's possible."

Meanwhile, Mr. Met, who is also known as Daniel Murphy, when he's not wearing the big baseball head costume, will not actually play for the Cubs. He will serve as an object of ridicule and hazing in the Cubs dugout instead.

"I'm looking forward to a new role on a new team," Murphy said. "My concern is the fan noise at Wrigley Field. We never had any noise to bother us with the Mets because we never had any fans."

That's a strategy Fred Wilpon claims credit for. "We did everything we could to discourage fans from coming to the games," he said. "It's like boarding up a construction site so your customers can't see you rebuilding."

"We want our fans to see us at our best."

A season's supply of steroids should improve the view.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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