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Tuesday, 27 August 2013

image for Man United v Chelsea: Rooney swaps teams at half-time
Jose always goes the extra mile to sign a player

Dwayne Rodney finally got his wish of a transfer away from the Manc'ester devils last night - although he didn't move far - only to the away team dressing room as Marmitechester United hosted Chelsea in the first Monday night 'classico' of the season.

Wooney started the match in a red shirt, but after an abysmal first 45 minutes new gaffer Chris Moyles gave the scouser the hair-dryer treatment at half-time and allowed Swooney to leave the club - prompting Josef Mourinho to jump out of the United laundry basket with a contract and pen and paper in his hand. Within minutes the deal was done as Wazza agreed to 250 grans per week.

Whoopi went straight into the Chelsea team, replacing Franc Lampoon for the second half, wearing squad number 88 - as rumours spread on twitter that two fat ladies are his favourite South-West London based prostitutes.

The half-time transfer activity, caught on Rio Ferdinands camcorder, proved to be the most exciting action of the evening as both teams eaked out a performance worse than the Australian cricket team and the 'classico' became a classic-less zero zero'.

Mourinho admitted after the match the signing had been a rash, impulsive, attention grabbing 'look at me I'm the special one and I'm back in the Premiership or whatever it's called nowadays' moment and immediately placed Rodney on the transfer list, telling the press Chelsea would open negotiations in the morning with Totting-ham Hopeless-spurs for Garthey Bale - offering Wooney, Willian, Torres and Mata plus thirty eight quid in horse-meat luncheon vouchers as bait.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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