Written by perrymo
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Friday, 14 June 2013

As baseball season progresses, so does our understanding of what teams are playoff contenders and what teams are local pie-eating contenders in their respective regions. In this post, I will notify you of what teams to keep a close eye on as the playoffs steadily approach.

1. Miami Marlins (unofficially undefeated)

Opponents are shuddering as they enter Marlins Park, a multi-billion dollar design of primitive architecture that boasts a 37,000 person seating-capacity. It is no wonder why they are shuddering, as an engineering misunderstanding has led to over 10,000 vents for air-conditioning turning hot Miami into a Winter Wonderland. With the Marlins unable to fix these problems due to a bankruptcy induced by Giancarlo Stanton's 200 billion-dollars-a-game salary, the design will remain. As unorthodox as this may seem, many opponents hands become icicles prior to them batting, giving the Marlins' a clear advantage and increasing their likelihood to strike them out. With the Marlins' boasting the second-to-least amount of runs and the team reporting an above 4 ERA, we can only envision a World Series visit for them, especially with their ability to enlist the local aid of Dwayne Wade and LeBron James.

2. Chicago Cubs (26-38)

They have already surpassed preseason projections by winning more than 3 games this season. With new manager and demigod Dale Sveum at the helm, a comeback for Cubs' legend Sammy Sosa is inevitable. However, he will return as the enthusiastic athletic trainer of hamstrings with the catchy pseudonym of Hammy Sosa! This boost to morale, alongside of the Cubs backup plan of actually starting lions/lionesses in their athletes places, we can only foresee a trip to the World Series for them (as all potential opponents might be dead due to lion-inflicted injuries).

3. 1927 New York Yankees

I warn baseball enthusiasts of their imminent return yearly. The candy Baby Ruth recently became the New-York favorite, their purchases surpassing even that of the Three Musketeers. This is a clear sign of Babe's Ruth hidden influence and eerie presence. It is rumored he will return as Adult Ruth or Definitely-Not-Babe-Ruth in the hopes to disguise his true identity, but sign-watchers such as myself will not be fooled by tom-trickery. The 1927 Yankees return!

4. Team Edward

With their leader being both a blood-sucking vampire and wizard extraordinaire, it is difficult to imagine many teams who aren't afraid of entering into competition against them. However, it is rumored that a certain "Peter Pettigrew" has been hired as a hitman in the hopes of diminishing Team Edward's rise to baseball superstardom.

5. Pope Francis

The head of the Catholic Church and the owner of the best batting average today, hitting a perfect 1.000 on the upsetting conservatives scale, it is necessary to include him as the most-likely underdog to bring the pennant home. His concerted efforts to engage first-baseman in ecumenical dialogue once he gets on base is a potential negative to those looking to pick him up in fantasy leagues, as he rarely manages to make it to second. In addition, his refusal to step on home-plate, declaring the Catholic Church as "home" and inviting all players and fans in attendance to join him typically results in him being out. Finally, he doesn't accrue stats in the stolen bases category either, saying that it violates his code of ethics to steal. But with the support of the Vatican and the stylish white robe that makes him an anti-Professor Snape, he remains an invaluable addition to any club everywhere.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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