Written by Ossurworld
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Monday, 27 May 2013

Red Sox star pitcher Clay Buchholz is having the year of his life, winning every game so far, up to seven.

Alas, he will not make a stab at number seven, owing to his mattress.
This is disconcerting for Pedro Martinez and the furniture company that bills itself as the "official" company of the Boston Red Sox.

You may recall seeing Pedro sleeping on a bed in the locker room. He insists he needs his "Beauty Rest."

Buchholz will miss a start because he slept the "wrong way."

Yes, now it appears that the Sox pitchers need a training program on the correct way to sleep. Since Buchholz looks like he just rolled out of bed whenever we see him, we are a bit surprised that baseball players have trouble with their sleep habits.

Starting pitchers only wake up once every five or six days to throw the ball. Now we discover that their days off are fraught with danger.

Most people sleep only in a few different positions, we cannot figure out whether the fetal position has done in the Sox starter from Texas.

We worry that memory foam bedding may be too hard for Red Sox players. Not since the Goldilocks scandal of legend have we heard that a pea under the mattress could prevent a good night's sleep.

Standard equipment for the Red Sox from now on will have to include sheets and pillowcases. Sox pitching staffers are now being told not to fall asleep with the trap door to their union suits wide open.

In the meantime, Sox players will sleep with one eye open.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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