Written by CaptainSausage
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Monday, 4 February 2013

image for American Football roundup
An American football player practises wearing shoulder pads

It's the biggest game in North American football - the finale to the American footballing season to decide who will win the Superb Owl. This year, it was an exciting game between the North Dakota Donkeys and Alaska 362, who both had tough semi-final matches to win their leagues and reach this deciding set.

The game was exciting from the start. As soon as the cheerleaders had gone through the pre-match safety briefing, Dakota won the toss up. Jim Oppenheimer caught a forward googly from backliner Jim Hawking, and made a run for the top zone. He avoided numerous Alaska players before being forced to a halt by a commercial break.

On the restart, Alaska's number one netter Jim Bohr stole the ball off Denver's Jim Higgs while he was busy adjusting a loose shoulder pad. Bohr passed to a team-mate and nearly won a touch-up point before play had to be stopped again for a word from our sponsors.

The first point came when Alaska's Jim Feynman hit a six and nearly scored a hole in one, giving them a 17 point lead. Then both teams sat back and relaxed to enjoy the half-time show, where Beyonce sang in a leather thong.

In the third half, Dakota found the goal no less than three times, but could not convert the goals into points. Jim Tesla had to be stretchered off when he scratched his helmet, but he was soon back on the field after being given a spare one. Dakota then gained the advantage when Alaska's Jim Schrodinger had to take a toilet break.

There was an unbelievable finale to the match, when both team's mascots climbed to the top of a pyramid of cheerleaders, then unveiled an enormous flag which covered the entire pitch, and advertised something or other. At that point the match was over, and there were more adverts.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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