Written by Paul Blake
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Thursday, 20 December 2012

image for Lance Armstrong Seen Pushing His Bike Uphill
Lance runs out of juice.

Los Angeles, CA - The seven-time "winner" of the Tour De France, now the piñata of the sports world, Lance Armstrong, has been spotted by several people, pushing his bike up the steep canyon roads around L.A. recently.

"I'd recognize those glutes anywhere." Said Bruce Mackay, who is an avid cyclist himself and has watched plenty of hours of Lance Armstrong's butt, grinding up the mountainsides of France. "I guess he's really not the superstar we all thought that he was, without the 'roids pumping through his veins." Mackay added disappointedly.

Mackay, who was driving at the time, had slowed down beside Armstrong, to make sure it was him. "My son was in the back seat of the car, who called out to his hero on the side of the road. His boy had said to him; "Lance, how come you're pushing your bike up the hill?" Mackay was shocked when then exhausted cyclist gave his son the finger and mouthed a word that Mackay did not care to repeat.

Others have had similar experiences with the defamed champion, on the winding canyon roads around the L.A. area as well. Trish Goodnail had also pulled up beside Lance and was told by the cyclist that he; "Wasn't Lance Armstrong." She retold. "But boy, he sure looked like him to me. He was panting and gasping for air, like he really didn't have it anymore." She added. "I felt bad for him, I offered him a ride to the top of the hill, but he waved me off limply.

Yet another person, this time on a bicycle himself, also pulled up beside a walking Armstrong to see if he was ok. The casual weekend cyclist, Matt Stonesaddle, offered Armstrong some of his Gatorade. Armstrong bizarrely told him that he wasn't walking uphill. "I'm riding." Lance had told him sternly. Stonesaddle was mystified. The 'roidless Armstrong, still wearing a Tour De France "yellow jersey", would not admit to Mr. Stonesaddle that he was indeed pushing his bike uphill. "Man, that guy can really stick to a lie." Said Stonesaddle. "Maybe he was delirious?" The man had questioned as he rode on ahead, thoroughly confused.

We contacted representatives for the cyclist and got the same story. "Lance has never once pushed his bike up a hill." Told Misty Grimes, an unpaid intern, devoted to helping Armstrong turn his image around. "These people must have mistaken him for someone else. But the cell phone pictures taken by Bruce Mackay's son tell a different story. The assistant fell silent after we told her that we had proof. She then asked us to hold for a minute and when she got back on the phone, she very clearly explained, "that Mr. Armstrong had been participating in a five-mile walk to help cure cancer at the time those pictures were taken. It's an uphill battle." She explained, then quickly hung up the phone.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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