Written by Simon Saunders
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Friday, 16 November 2012

image for Wayne Rooney Suffers Choking Embarrassment
Hmmm. Tasty.

Manchester United and England star Wayne Rooney is facing a night in hospital after choking on a dismantled Rubik's Cube at his Cheshire home.

Speaking from outside the People's Dispensary for Sick Animals (PDSA) in Warrington where Rooney is recuperating following the incident, his wife Colleen explained what had happened.

She said, "I'd gone out to get Wayne some dinner from the local pet shop and when I arrived home I found him choking on the floor of his cage. I thought 'What's he gone and tried to eat now?' It was then that I noticed pieces of our son Kai's Rubik's Cube all over the floor. Kai must've taken it apart without me noticing. Anyway, Wayne thought the pieces were square Skittles. He loves Skittles does our Wayne. The idea of a new type of Skittles got him over-excited. He managed to reach through the bars of his cage to get his hands on the pieces and tried to eat them. After some quick thinking I performed the hymen manoeuvre on him and a couple of the little coloured blocks shot out of his mouth and across the room into the swing bin. Wayne's always had an excellent aim."

Rooney, who was recently mistaken for a chimp dressed in a tracksuit by a group of school children while on a trip to Twycross zoo with his family, is believed to be the first person to ever attempt to eat the popular 80's brain teasing puzzle after thinking it was confectionary.

Colleen did reveal that this isn't the first time her husband has done something like this. She said, "I was learning to play the bugle last year until Wayne tried to eat it thinking it was a bagel. He gets confused by words sometimes. Mind you, the bugle thing was funny. Some of the noises he was making with it stuck in his throat were hilarious."

She also confirmed that she'd confiscated his KerPlunk. Explaining why, she told us, "Knowing Wayne he'll probably try to eat that as well. To him it looks like little pickled onions on cocktail sticks. It's best to be on the safe side. After all, he's worth a fortune."

Sir Alex Ferguson was unavailable for comment as he's busy putting a new plug on his hairdryer in preparation for Rooney's return.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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