Written by IainB
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Thursday, 6 September 2012

image for Usain Bolt to turn out for United against Celtic
Will Usain Bolt play for Manchester United against Celtic?

Usain Bolt, the fastest man on two legs, asked Sir Alex Ferguson if he could play for Manchester United, and the dour Scot has agreed to let him trial at an upcoming friendly.

"I know he can run," said Sir Fergie. "I saw him in the Olympics. But can he kick a ball? That's the question."

With the international break curtailing games, Manchester United had been scouting around for various friendlies that they can play to keep their fringe and non-internationals fit.

"Some of our players wouldn't be playing for six weeks without these friendlies," said Sir Fergie. "So they're very important for us."

With his close connections to Stalybridge Celtic, Paul Scholes suggested that one of those friendlies be at Bower Fold against the highest placed team called Celtic in England.

"I'm quite fond of Stalybridge Celtic," said Scholesy. "My son plays for their juniors, and I turned out for the dads and lads game last season. It's a nice ground."

Deals were struck, and Manchester United are set to make an appearance on the hallowed turf of Bower Fold.

"This seems like the ideal venue to give Usain a run out," said Sir Fergie. "It's a nice pitch, ideal for the lad, I'd say."

It won't be the first time an Olympian has played at Bower Fold, with Matthew Clemments, a hundred and ten metre hurdler previously playing for Stalybridge. Bolt, however, is faster than Clemments ever was.

"We're hoping the name Bolt will put a few dozen on the gate," said Rob Gorski, chairman of Stalybridge Celtic. "Even if he doesn't ultimately play."

It is expected that if he does play, Bolt will be a winger.

"I hope he scores," said one exciting Bolt fan, and goalkeeper for Celtic, Ashley Woodhouse. "I want to see that celebration of his close up!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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