Written by Derrick Naylor-Made
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Monday, 3 September 2012

The sharp shooting guard Ray Allen will have no part in the Miami Heat organization after an overnight visit with the professional basketball team went "fucking terrible."

Allen, who won his first NBA championship title with the Boston Celtics, is now a free agent and able to join any team he desires. He has been struggling between whether to finish his career with pride and dignity as a Celtic or join the flaming Heat team.

"I don't know what the hell I was thinking," Allen said as reporters caught him fleeing from Miami's tree house in Lebron James' backyard. "These guys are mentally unstable. And I don't think [Chris] Bosh stopped staring at me the entire sleepover."

James, who invited Allen to come and "hang out with the king" before making his final team selection, said he has no idea where things went wrong.

"We told ghost stories, roasted marshmallows and performed a few satanic rituals," James said. "If that's not a good time then maybe I should just take my talents back to Cleveland."

All-Star forward Paul Pierce said he warned Allen to stay away from the group, who have a reputation for being strange and misguided assholes who could only win a championship during a chaotic and uncanny NBA season, not to mention just lame in general.

"I would never hang with those dudes, let alone consider joining their team," Pierce said as he nailed a half court three-pointer. "I'm just happy they didn't rape his ass or somethingÂ…although he is walking a little funny."

With hopes of securing Allen slipping away from the Heat, head coach Erik Spoelstra said he will now triple his efforts to enslave the shooting guard.

"When I want a superstar to join this team, they join the team. Period," Spoelstra said. "The forces of darkness will overpower Ray until he has no choice but to join our ranks."

"What the fuck?" Allen said when told of Spoelstra's comments. "Catch you guys later I need to go sign back up with the Celtics."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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