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Sunday, 2 September 2012

image for Saints Slain In Dying Moments As Van Persie Racks Up A Hat Trick
The Man From Soothill's Bakery Delivering The Pies To St Mary's Ahead Of Today's Game

Considering the average tenure of a Premier League manager is a little over 50 games at the helm, it was all the more remarkable that this afternoon Sir Alex Ferguson celebrated his 1,000th Premier League game in charge of Manchester United at St Mary's.

It didn't start off well for United as Lambert headed Southampton into a first half lead, but it didn't last too long as Robin Van Persie connected with a Nuno Valencia cross to level the scores.

Half time: Southampton 1 Manchester United 1

Southampton took the lead as Evra fell on his arse, allowing Schneiderlin to give the Saints a deserved lead. From that point on it was pretty much all United.

Van Persie made a complete arse of himself trying to be a clever Trevor by half-heartedly chipping a penalty kick, which Davis easily palmed to safety.

It was the introduction of Salford chap, Paul Scholes, and the Mexican mariachi boy, Chicharito which was to prove decisive.

Doing his best Denis Law impression, Van Persie reacted quickly as a Rio Ferdinand header came back off the post and netted with a plum. (Aplomb - Ed)

What followed was all too predictable really. Two minutes into time added on, Van Persie pounced again, with a header from a corner to the delight of the Mancunian maniacs behind the goal, and the consternation of the Scummer nation, as the Saints were well and truly put to the sword. Fergie's 1,000th PL game, Van Persie's 100th PL goal. Southampton's greatest throw in.

As one United fan commented : "Bobby Stokes was a mile offside in 76. Call that payback."

Final score: Southampton 2 Manchester United 3

Much to the delight of the population of Portsmouth.

And Salford, and Titchfield.

Back to the studio.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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