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Monday, 30 July 2012

image for Britain's golden shower begins in women's snatch at Olympics
The 5 rings represent the 5 anuses of Olympics founder Jean-Pierre Olympic

Great Britain won the first of what will hopefully be many gold medals today at the London Olympics. Lobelia Flaps, 28, will undoubtedly be sore all over after really stretching to make a clean fist of a difficult jerk, and beating the Pole in the women's snatch to come first.

Commentator Geoff Purves said he had never seen a woman carry such a huge amount of heavy weights in the snatch. "It was a bit hairy out there," he said. "My eyes were watering from the sight of it."

Meanwhile Team GB still has good medal hopes in the Dressage, after Lady Emily Dorking-Smythe dressed up her horse Buttercup as a robot butler. That put her cleanly ahead of the German, who put her horse into an astronaut costume. Russia were disqualified for using a pantomime horse.

In the swimming pool, Scotland's Fat Boab McFood won his heat of the Individual Belly Flop, splashing an Olympic record-equalling 8.4 gallons out of the pool and drenching most of the judges. Later on, his compatriot Jock Russell came second in the 100m Doggy Paddle.

Elsewhere, multi-talented Tim Chafe failed to qualify from his heat in the Men's 5km Tricycle, but will hope to do better when he also competes in the Pedalo Race on Friday. He will also be competing in the Handstand and Forward Roll next week.

The British women's Log Flume team are doing extremely well, largely thanks to the fact that they are competing on home ground, at Alton Towers. The Chinese will be hard to beat in that event though.

Finally, Johnny Lastic beat the British record at the Catapult, scoring a massive 4 points. Later on he unfortunately had to pull out when his rubber band broke.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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