Written by Monkey Woods
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Friday, 8 June 2012

image for Usain Bolt Promises To Run 100m In "Under 8 Seconds"
Bolt, in white jacket, having already won the race, showered and changed, waiting patiently for the medal ceremony

World champion 100m sprinter Mr Usain Bolt has stated publicly that he believes he can smash his own 9.58-second world record to "smithereens" at next month's London 2012 Olympic Games, and that he fully intends to regain the title he won in Beijing 2008 by running the race "in less than 8 seconds".

The Jamaican won golds in the 100m, 200m, and 4x100m relay in China, and did a funny 'pointing pose' to celebrate. It was so funny, and he's ever so tall, isn't he?

Asafa Powell, Bolt's main rival, has never run faster than 9.72 seconds, so if Bolt does as he has promised, and runs under 8 seconds, the whole competition would seem to be a foregone conclusion. But he might not, and that's what's so exciting about athletics!

Bolt has also claimed that he can break his 200m world record which stands at 19.19 seconds. Amazingly, he reckons he can "half it", which would mean running it in less than 10 seconds. Shit, would I like to see that!

But some athletics fans already in London for the build-up to the 2012 event, have said they think the sport is becoming "too quick for its own good".

Denis Waterman (not the Minder Denis Waterman) told us:

"The sport is getting too quick for its own good. Runners are too fast these days, and the races are over in seconds. It's disappointing, to say the least."

Another nutter agreed, saying:

"All that training through the year, all the money and resources poured into bringing these athletes up to optimum condition, all the build-up and expectation of the fans, and then the whole spectacle is finished in three blinkings of an eye, or two, if you're a slow blinker. The athletes should slow down a bit, and take time to enjoy the occasion."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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