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Friday, 25 May 2012

image for Final squad named for 2012 London Paralytics
The London 2012 Paralytics Logo: Absolutely nothing like the Olympics one... [Phew! Ed.]

With less than 60 days to go to the world's greatest sporting event, The London 2012 Paralytic Games, there were few surprises as Great Britain's final team was announced today.

The squad was named at the official unveiling of their new training facility in Dorking, which was was opened by Chelsea FC's Champion's League winning left back and named in honour of his ex-wife.

'The Cole Hole' is a state-of-the-art pub complete with many hi-tech facilities, such as dirt-cheap Polish Euro-fizz lager at exorbitant West End prices, to challenge and prepare the GB competitors for the battles to come.

Announcing the team, GB Paralytics Coach Colonel Juan Sanders said that the selectors had gone for "an exciting cocktail of youngsters and hardened pissheads."

Supreme totterer Martin Shuttlecock will be going for his sixth gold medal in the Precision Arse-Over-Tit event. Using his vast experience from previous Paralytics, the doughty performer has already pre-booked Guy's Hospital A&E department immediately after the event. Peerless in the compulsory Dressage Section, Martin's 'taking off of trousers and getting into pyjama bottoms' is worth the entrance fee alone.

Shuttlecock has also been named as captain of the Synchronised Swilling team. Despite fierce competition from Germany and Finland, they will be aiming for a record tenth Gold in the event.

'Spannered...'

Talented youngster Clive 'Body Pop' Dee will represent GB in the newly introduced Paralytic sport Xtreme Folding, which involves a fiendish course of obstacles to negotiate, including a wall of Alcopops and a minefield of J├Ągerbombs. Despite injury concerns after a DIY accident left him short of a vital digit, Clive is confident he can tackle the likes of Two Dogs, Wee Beasties and Cheeky Vimtos and still cross the finishing line upright, before folding like a girl and vomiting all the colours of the rainbow. "The shots will have to be multiples of three-fingers, but it's do-able," dribbles the genial East End tyre-fitter, sliding off his bar stool..

The Blue Riband event of the games is the London Marathon, a gruelling 26 mile Pub Crawl over the final Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the Games. Known by competitors as 'The Lost Weekend", this event has drawn much controversy over the years owing to the many fatalities and cases of competitors 'vanishing' for years on end.

Only last month, almost four years after the event finished in Beijing, one 'missing presumed mummified' Swedish competitor was found alive, staggering around Outer Mongolia wearing just a Viking helmet, heavily-stained leopardskin jockstrap and asking directions to Uppsala.

The team of Col. Sanders, Fields, Twist and Shuttlecock will be aiming to equal the glory of the legendary 1964 Tokyo Paralytics GB & Northern Ireland Marathon quartet (Burton, Reed, Best & O'Toole). who still hold the world record after 48years.

'Wide-eyed and Legless...'

This year's GB team is particularly strong in the throwing competitions.

Britain has strong gold medal prospects in the Men's 25 metre 'Throwing Up' as Nottingham veteran Gerry Inchcock has, says Sanders, been "devastating" in training: "He's been scoffing a reheated Spam, sausage and mash vindaloo that he left burning on the stove for three days, washed down with pints of pre-war Old Buggerlugs XXX ale he found on the local tip. Depending on his fitness after participation in the Xtreme Folding event - and if we find a pulse - Clivey Dee will also partner Gerry in the Beach Vomitball competition." he added. "They've just been fitted for the thongs."

In the prestige Women's event Thrown Out by the Bouncers, Essex's Katie Price will be representing GB. "Indomitable. She's currently number one ranked in the world for her bouncers and keeps coming back for more. She just sucks it up." smiled Sanders.

In the Triple Slump (commonly known to the public as 'Hops, Shit and Pump') portly, acne-ridden ex-porn dealer and transvestite Pete Twist will be bidding for top step on the podium, "If he can free himself for a second from the bog seat," jokes Colonel Juan. "He's been doing a lot of running in the build-up. In fact, I've never seen anyone with the runs so much."

In the precision events, marksman Dr Lynton Box has a medal chance in the '3 Metre Deadeye-Dick' competition. "Hitting a small urinal disinfectant block from 10 feet without splash back, spotting, dribbling, farting or pant-pissing is a real talent," says Sanders. "Which Lynton has in bucket-loads." The only doubt is Box's poor performance in the final trials, when he had to retire owing to "severe prostate blowback and follow-through infarction".

Disappointingly, there are no GB entrants in the womens' Deadeye-Dick event, with Bulgaria and Russia tipped as strong podium challengers.

Hottest ticket of the Games will be the 'Men's 100 litres Talking Utter Bollox' final in which fresh-faced Lancastrian Mark Lowtonberg has an outstanding chance of medalling. "Providing he has a fair wind and limitless supplies of Ginger Beer Shandy," comments Sanders.

"We have to be optimistic with this team," says the Colonel, mulling over the future, schooner in hand. "Our glass is half full. Well, mine is at least. Your round I believe. Mine's a pint... of Claret!"

That Paralytic GB team in full:

Lightweight Chugging : FeetandToe A.
Heavyweight Bottling : Aggedone J.
Round Dodging : Fields E.I.
4 x 40 pints Relay : Mudder Q., James E., Gagger R., Harpa C.
Walking in an almost straight line : Quint E.
Arse-Over-Tit : Shuttlecock M.
Xtreme Folding : Dee C.
Triple Slump : Twist P.
3 metre Deadeye-Dick : Box L. (Dr)
Pub Crawl Marathon : Sanders J. (Col), Fields E.I., Twist P., Shuttleconk M. (Reserve: Dee C.)
Men's 25 metre 'Throwing Up : Inchwok G.
Beach Vomitball : Dee C, Inchcrock G.
Men's 100 litres Talking Utter Bollox : Lowtonberg M.
Synchronised Swilling : Shuttlecork M., Bee I., Moore G., FeetandToe A.
Quaffing : Sanders J. (Col), Fields E.I.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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