Written by Ossurworld
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Friday, 27 April 2012

Word out of Florida is that Red Sox outfielder Carl Crawford cannot throw a baseball because his elbow hurts. It may be that he suffers from zombie arm.

This is on top of a wrist that was recently repaired surgically because he could not swing a bat.

Next up, we expect he will not be able to run the bases because of fallen arches.

Though our expert insights into folly and humor were widely ridiculed last season when we compared Carl Crawford to old-time Red Sox fiasco Roman Mejias, we feel a tad of vindication.

Roman Mejias played two full seasons for the Sox. Carl Crawford may not make it that far.

We may not have been on top of our game when we compared Mejias and Crawford, two outfielders who found Fenway Park less than Brigadoon and more like a navy brig.

Carl Crawford begins to remind us of J.D. Drew whose monumental contract for five seasons left us with deeper understandings of hangnails and existential angst.

Crawford also chose not to tell owners, coaches and staff about his elbow during spring training. Call it sweet revenge on King John Henry VIII for his snide comments.

If Carl Crawford wants to play for the Sox, it is about as much as King John Henry VIII wants him to play for the Sox. There has not been much motivation in Crawford after the owner dismissed the sensitive star as an unwanted signing.

Crawford must have felt like one of the Three Stooges tossed onto the doorstep of an orphanage in a duffle bag.

Crawford may know much more about crime revenge than Carlito (Al Pacino) who had his way when it came to mob stories.

It would appear that Crawford has left Red Sox front office types floating face down in Boston Harbor. It's Crawford's Way.

Crawford still has over five years and $120 million left on his contract, and we look forward to his comeback as the star of The Walking Dead Meets the Green Monster.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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