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Friday, 13 April 2012

Dwight Howard admits he needs to keep his mouth shut more often, show fewer teeth, and stop smiling like the shark from Jaws.

He gave this pronouncement in a nationally televised interview for ESPN.

Looking into the eye of Hannah Storm, the Superman of Tall Tales noted that he hadn't asked management for the head of his coach this season.

In past years Howard often requested that Stan Van Gundy be brought before the firing squad by upper management.

Of course, next day when the effects of Kryptonite had worn off, he backed away from such declarations as "Bring me the head of Stan Van Gundy," and "Every star fires the coach he loves."

Perhaps the Orlando Magic administrators and owners regarded this as a ritual prayer to help maintain the team talisman's effect for championship drives.

Howard admitted he had a strong personality, which falls far short of having a hard head.

Florida sports seem to be the headquarters for head cases. With Ozzie Guillen falling into the gaping hole of his mouth, Howard is not to be outdone.

The big difference is the size of the hole in Howard's head.

Dwight noted that he suffered the slings and arrows of shock. Yes, he was shocked, shocked, shocked to hear that Van Gundy fed the star's words to the media.

In denial of the allegations, Howard gave the public a heavy dose of mendacity. In the old Western movies, the hero would say to the mean spirited villain: "Smile when you say that, partner."

Dwight always smiles, but it now looks more like a tell-tale sign that he is disingenuous.

Smiling with charm may work with children, but usually adults become uneasy when a man smiles while asking for you to be separated from your job.

Not many coaches admire coach-killers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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