Indianapolis -- Congress is gambling that a determined group of Patriots can again save the United States from collapse. The lawmakers are betting $15 trillion that the New England Patriots will defeat the New York Giants in Super Bowl XLVI.
"If New England wins, we would use our winnings to erase the national debt," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada). "If they lose, we will be $30 trillion in the hole, which would give us a higher goal to shoot for the next time we try to balance the books."
But the bookmaker who is taking on the wager provided a different view of what would happen should the Patriots be defeated.
"We plan on breaking the legs of every man, woman and child in America If they don't pay up," said Danny "The Douche" Dowey. "We've got to show them that we mean business, that we're organized."
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-New York) had argued that Congress should put its money on the New York Giants instead of the Patriots. "Size matters, people. It's common sense that a giant is going to defeat the smaller man every time. Didn't you guys read the story of David and Goliath?"
When a reporter pointed out that the giant is defeated in that Biblical tale, Schumer responded: "Okay, did you hear the one about Eli the Prophet?"
Atty. Gen. Eric Holder said that the Justice Department would issue a special dispensation waiver to allow the US government to do business with organized crime.
"People have the wrong idea about these criminals," he said. "They are a service organization like any bank or oil company. In this case, they provide stress relieving pharmaceuticals, gaming opportunities, and leisure time companionship to the public. So just relax America, and place your bets."