Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 30 December 2011

image for Pittsburgh Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger Finally Agrees To Change His Last Name
This autographed Ben Roethlisberger football will soon become a collector's item. (Photo by Kim Kardashian).

PITTSBURGH - After adamantly stating that hell would freeze over and all of the Kardashians would move to Armenia before he would change his last name Ben Roethlisberger has changed his mind.

"Big Ben" as he is known by his Tweeter fans has been told by over two dozen of America's top sports writers and reporters that they have a hell of a time pronouncing and spelling his name and had pleaded with him to change it.

At first the Pittsburgh quarterback would reply that he has never had a problem pronouncing or spelling his name Ben, B-e-n. But after about the 74th time even he agreed that the Ben joke got old, not as old as Joan Rivers, Larry King, Cloris Leachman, or Betty White, but damn old nonetheless.

And so after meeting with two of his favorite sports reporters Tango Brisket and Oglethorpe Ogletree of Sports Territory Magazine he has come up with a brand new last name.

Ben stated that the trio had sat down at a local Burger Mistress Bar & Grill in Pittsburgh and had written down a list with 17 possible last names on it.

After ordering burgers and fries and a round of Coors Light he said that nine of the names were quickly eliminated for one reason or other, mostly because they sounded a bit non-footbally.

The eight that were left were then tossed around (no pun intended) back and forth. Two of the names were rejected because they had negative connotations; Fumble and Blitz.

So that left six names on the final list. The final half dozen were; Snap, Football, Touchdown, Gridiron, Huddle, and Cartwright.

The group ordered another round of beer. The name Cartwright was eliminated first. It had been chosen by Tango Brisket who was a big fan of the old Bonanza television western series which featured the patriarch of the Ponderosa Ranch Cartwright's, Ben Cartwright.

The trio decided that out of the five remaining names, each one would cross out one name. Ben eliminated the name Huddle, Brisket dropped the name Snap, and Ogletree rejected the name Gridiron.

So that left two possible last names. Ben Roethlisberger's new last name would now become either Football or Touchdown. After another round of beer, the trio voted. Brisket picked Football and Ogletree and Roethlisberger picked Touchdown.

So effective with the 2012-2013 NFL football season Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will become Ben Touchdown.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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