Written by Skoob1999
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Wednesday, 7 December 2011

image for Manchester 0 London 2 - Hovis Jugglers Gutted
Oo The Fack Are Man United! Pie N Mash, Rabbit Rabbit Do Wot John Ave A Banana

UEFA Champions League - It's good news for London, but a disaster for Manchester, as both Manchester clubs - City and United - crashed out of the tournament, whilst Arsenal and Chelsea progressed to the knockout stages.

City fanatic, Liam Gaggler, a hairdresser from Burnage was left in no doubt as to who he blamed for City's ignominious CL exit:

"Tevez," he said. "Tevez in Munich. That unsettled everybody that did, when he refused to come on and that coz his head was a mess, and it undermined the manager. I can't believe we were collectively daft enough to welcome the duplicitous little shit with open arms. Look where that's left us - out of the Champions League. You can't tell me that we deserved that - there's no way Chelsea or Arsenal are better teams than us, likewise the rags of Salford United. We tanked them six-one on their own shit-heap for God's sake. I blame Tevez, me. He undermined the club and everything it stands for. If I had my way, I'd have Jeremy Clarkson run him down with a 4x4 Chelsea tractor. And then reverse over him. Just to make sure, like. And then probably shoot him or something. With a gun."

On the other side of town, in nearby Milan, United stalwart Mick Frucknell out of the unpretentiously named pop band, Evidently Rouge, sitting on his balcony sipping pink champagne and scoffing an oyster and truffle tapas type thing prepared by Heston Blumenthal and flown in by private jet, said:

"We got beat by Basel. We were Fawlty. Did you get that? I made a pun! Good Lord, I'll be writing for the Spoof next! But anyway, the sad truth is that we couldn't get the better of Basel or Benfica, so we don't deserve to be in there. Be interesting though if we meet the noisy neighbours in the Europa League."

Chelsea fan, Bert Fickle, and Arsenal fan Hughie Gooner could barely suppress their delight as they downed pints of piss weak, watered down Cockney beer at Strongfellows Sports Bar in Haymarket.

"Manchester - don't make me larf!" Fickle scoffed. "Bleedin' QPR are better than them Hovis juggling Northern monkeys!"

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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