Written by Matt Brown
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Friday, 2 December 2011

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''Has Berbatov suffered the red-ring of death?''

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has today ruled out striker Dimitar Berbatov.

The news came as a shock to the room full of unscrupulous underhanded weasels with most viewing this as a step too far from the 69 year old Scot. Reporters were puzzled as to why he had decided to rule out Berbatov now, instead of offering him the chance of a lucrative contract extension. To categorically deny the existence of his number 9, who scored 20 league goals last season could be seen as a risky move in some quarters, but others say this is just Sir Alex up to his usual illusionary brain fiddling tricks.

Sir Alex said ''I don't want to talk about it, as far as I am concerned the lad never existed, also all referees are fat and hate me''.

Intrigued by this revelation the hacks pursued a more concrete answer from the long-standing ref abuser. Cagey as ever, he was pushed on the real whereabouts of the Bulgarian and it was put to him that Berbatov had been cryogenically frozen. Ferguson looked nonplussed, so Angry Aberdeen Angus from The Sunny asked him about the possibility of the 30-year-old being re-animated in time for the crucial Champions League match away to FC Basel Fawlty.

After this remark Angus was then hardly daring to look at Ferguson, as he looked up to him. Ferguson stared him down and eventually the clinically impressed toe wrangler from beyond the grave took off into the sunset. Ferguson gave a cocky look and then spoke words which seemed truly beyond his ears. He said ''Rooney had a dolly and its head popped off''. After this all pretence departed out of the open windy along with Johnny Evans, the Da Silva twins and a hunchbacked camel.

Questions must now be asked about not only why Ferguson decided to dispense with the services of one his top talents so early in the season, but that if anyone's existence needed to be dismissed it should have been Michael Owen who has not been seen or heard from in many months now.

But there was some good news for fans as Ferguson announced he would soon be embarking on a world-wide ventriloquist tour with retired Man Utd legend Gary Neville. Fergie revealed that Neville had been lumbering up for the 70-year-tour for several months and that he expected him to be in tip-top shape come ''curtain up'' time.

The bizarre press conference ended on a sour note as Ferguson broke down and out into a ballad of ''Stand by your manager'', formerly and informally sung by Uncle Steve's Brucie Boners of the red and white record label.

Ferguson then clapped his hands and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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