Written by Rebel Not Taken
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Wednesday, 5 October 2011

image for QPR refuse to share new stadium with Chelsea
plastic seats at Chelsea's Battersea Dog's Home stadium

High flying QPR have dashed Chelsea's dreams of sharing a luxury new stadium in Shepherd's Bush.

The upwardly mobile West London club have realised that their bijou dwelling in Loftus Road is too small for Champion's League football and are looking to expand into a classy location.

But hapless neighbours Chelsea seem to be going in the other direction now that their rented hovel has been condemned by the council after strange creatures were found floating at the bottom of the pond. It now seems that their hopes of moving in with rich and handsome QPR were nothing but a sad fantasy.

"We are creating a spacious new gaff in the up and coming White City area, but we would rather nail our dicks to the wall than share it with those fat slags" said QPR architect Terry Snide from East Acton.

Poor Chelsea are desperate for somewhere cheap to live now that their Russian landlord has agreed to flog Stamford Bridge and it's out of date stock back to Ken Bates for £1.

"I paid a nicker for the premises last time but it wasn't being squatted by so many down and outs and losers then" said a florid and angry Mr Bates.

Loyal Chelsea fans have been seen in the King's Road drinking cheap vodka from brown paper bags and criticising Roman Abramovich for depriving them of their natural habitat in an old shed.

"You just can't bulldoze ten years of history" said sideways Chelsea pensioner Ray Wilkins, whilst holding back the tears.

But all is not lost for Chelsea after today's announcement that, despite being blown out by classy QPR, they may be rehoused in the nearby Battersea Dog's Home.

"We are used to taking in snarling, ugly dogs that have been abandoned", said Chelsea denture holder Mr Rabid Mutt.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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