Written by Skoob1999
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Saturday, 17 September 2011

image for Chelsea Declare All Out War On Manchester United - It Could Be A Bloodbath
Far Better At Playing Away....

There's certainly no denying moneybags Chelsea's determination to succeed in Sunday's Old Trafford clash with table topping Manchester United.

They've promised to go to Old Trafford and wipe the floor with Fergie's youthful Red Devils. Under new boss, Andre Villas Boas, the Blues (or as they are more popularly known, The Pensioners) are promising to kick some Northern arse, at The Theatre Of Nightmares.

"If they score six, we'll score nine," said John Terry. "We're dead good at that at Chelsea. Apart from Fernando - who couldn't score in a brothel. Allegedly. Still, you don't get much for fifty million sovs these days."

"We're going up there to break some arses," Blues defender and 70's porn star lookalikey, David Luiz snarled. "Our mission is to make a right mess of the northern monkeys."

"Yeah, I'm sick of Fergie saying we're all too old and past it," added star striker Peter Osgood. "Too old eh? I don't know about Giggs tearing 'em apart - Greavesie and me have got their fucking number. Don't you worry. Too old my arse!"

United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson couldn't help but emit an unwitting chuckle at today's press conference.

"Drogba's our biggest concern," Fergie admitted. "He's been out for three weeks while they do some welding work on his zimmer frame. I'm not sure that our youngsters will be able to cope with his pace, so I've brought Bill Foulkes and Nobby Stiles out of retirement. These lads are seasoned pros and they know the score."

Stamford Bridge officials have denied that Chelsea have been working to secure the signatures of veteran sluggers, Norman Hunter, Tommy Smith and the late Billy Bremner in order to shore up a makeweight Blues defence.

"That's all bollocks is that," a spokesman told reporters.

Whatever happens, everybody is hoping that nobody gets hurt in the inevitable bloodbath.

Although some people aren't sure that the sentiment extends as far as Cashley Cole.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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