Rooney Versus Owen In Domestic WAG War

Manchester: Today: The Rooneys and the Owens have fallen out. Coleen and Louise don't get on after a succession of rows over the garden fence. And now both have ordered their husband to join the battle.

The domestic feud has become the talk of Acacia Avenue as the two Manchester United neighbours squabble night and day across the flimsy space that separates their modest 2 up 2 down terraced houses.

They all moved to Acacia Avenue following a demand from Alex Ferguson for Manchester United players to stop flashing the cash during the recession.

It all started when Mrs Owen accidentally woke baby Kia Rooney by yelling at her own kids to stop throwing eggs at each other.

No sooner had Coleen got Kia back to sleep than Louise came hurtling out of her back door shouting out to borrow a bag of sugar.

That woke up the baby. So Coleen gave Louise some sugar then treated Kia to a quick breast feed on the patio. Then a rotten tomato landed 'splosh' on her left tit and the pips went up Kia's nose.

It took half an hour to remove the pips, sort out the mess and get Kia back to sleep in his buggy.

Then Michael Owen took his vest off and came out to Flymo the lawn.

That got Kia crying again. So Owen switched on his garden sound system and started playing his favourite Shirley Bassey records very loud.

Later on Mr and Mrs Wayne Rooney were invited to the Owen's for dinner.

These are the occasions when famous footballers show off to each other. So the Rooneys shared a bath. Then Coleen put on the lovely dress she'd picked up in Asda whilst Wayne splashed Brut all over him and chose a pair of the new smart trousers he'd picked up in a 3 for 2 magazine offer.

Bang on 7.30p.m they popped Kia into the Ferdinands for the evening and knocked on the Owen's front door. Coleen opened it and Wayne immediately gave her the 2 litre bottle of Hirondelle he'd brought specially that morning.

Sir Alex and Lady Ferguson were in the lounge knocking back the cooking sherry.

After they'd all listened to the Shirley Bassey CD, they all squeezed round the kitchen table and Louise went to the oven and got out her Chicken a l'orange with chipped potatoes and mushy petit pois.

But Coleen wasn't happy. Sir Alex Michael and Louise were going on and on about racehorses and all she wanted to talk about was something interesting like cosmetic surgery or shopping. So she said she had a headache and left to go and pick up Kia.

But then Sir Alex started playing the spoons and they all had a sing-song until dawn. Neither Coleen nor Kia got a wink of sleep.

So now Coleen's told Wayne she's had it with the Owens and he's not to talk to them again. She's also decided she's had it with Sir Alex and Lady Ferguson.

Bookmakers today offered evens that Wayne Rooney would be a Barcelona player by February.

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