England v France - Pre-Match Assessment

Stade de France, Paris - England coach Brian Ashton has told the French team to not even bother turning up for this evening's Rugby World Cup Semi-Final, 'if they know what's good for them.'

"Everyone in England now knows that we've already won the World Cup for the second time running." said Ashton, "We've thrashed the Aussies in a whopping 12-10 rout when no-one expected us to. New Zealand are out and does anyone really think that the 36-0 loss we suffered at the hands of South Africa in the group stage is going to happen again? I think not. Andy Gomersall won't be looking down when John Smit tells him his shoelaces are undone for a fourth time."

Ashton's comments are shared by the majority of England fans. "They should just hand us the trophy now," said a number of enthusiastic England fans in a pub in Brighton. "It's a forgone conclusion so why go through the hassle of organising the games, stewards and disruption to transport infrastructure when everyone knows we've already won."

Tomorrow - Normal Service Resumed as Battered England Wonder Where it all Went Wrong

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