Peanut butter is actually plant fecal matter says expert

A dark secret was revealed in Science Fair magazine when Melvin Harris told the sordid secrets of the peanut butter industry. It's a secret so well guarded that giant food processors don't want you to know anything about a popular and cheap staple!

"It's really just shit you know?" Claims Harris a 34 year employee of Slippy Peanut Butter Company.

According to Harris, peanut butter is the excrement, or fecal matter, that drips from the peanut plant when it's sexually or manually excited and is scooped up by automatic conveyors that rush it to the blending room where it is softened, mixed and finally bottled in that cute little container we've grown to love.

"They even enhance the smell with a concoction of aromas that give that pee-nutty smell, when it fact it's natural smell is just like ripe shit!"

This information comes soon after it was revealed to the tabloids that jelly, a frequent associate of peanut butter in gastronomical circles, is organically grown in labs from aborted jellyfish fetuses.

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