Illegal downloaders to have fingers cut off

The government today u-turned on its previous u-turn and finally decided that a decision was necessary for its War On Music Buffs And Notorious Bittorrent Internet Thieves (WOMAN BITS).

Announcing the decision today at the Government's current "down with the kidz 2.0" conference C&binet, Supreme Lord Most Noble Mandelson said that it was entirely proportionate to cut off the fingers of illegal downloaders and internet pirates to curb the drain of money from the coffers of major record labels.

"If you simply cut their internet connection they will hack into next-door's broadband and meanwhile their parents won't be able to watch iPlayer or surf for porn.

"What better way to stop downloaders than stop them using a computer keyboard," explained the noble Lord.

"Besides, piracy is a very serious problem," he continued. "One just has to look at the current state of affairs just off the coast of Somalia."

The noble Supreme Lord of Everything assured the public that there would be appropriate safeguards. Alleged offenders would be warned first, being struck three times with a large stick for each track downloaded.

He also assured ISPs that they would not have to share the burden of the new Detection, Enforcement, Finger-chopping Justice Against Music Swindlers (DEF JAMS) regime. The record labels would install their own internet monitoring equipment to watch everything everyone does online.

Privacy advocates also expressed concerns that state security services such as MI5 and GCHQ could be tempted to misuse the surveillance infrastructure for mass monitoring of the population, contrary to the European Convention on Human Rights.

The noble Lord answered definitively that the security services won't be interested in using this equipment, since they were attempting to build their own system at an estimated cost of £20bn. However local councils would be granted new powers to ensure parents are not lying to get their children into the wrong local school.

Lord Mandelson denied any link between his August 7th dinner with noble media mogul David Geffen at a villa in Corfu and the re-emergence of a harsh policy towards music lovers.

A spokesman for the Secretary of Everything issued a short statement. "There's nothing untoward going on just because two noble gentlemen decide to dine in each other's company."

IN OTHER NEWS the Justice Secretary Straw Jack announced temporary measures to ease overcrowding in UK jails. Sentences for murder, rape and kidnapping will be trimmed marginally from life to 28 days (14 days with time off for good behaviour). Gun criminals will be sent on a firearms awareness course and a "black mark" system on Facebook will be introduced to publicly humiliate shoplifters instead of serving jail time.

WORLD NEWS - Saudi Arabia, UEA, Qatar and Oman announced simultaneously that they would end the use of corporal punishment and amputation for many minor offences.

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