Mrs. Tiger Woods Says Tiger Is Toast After Christmas

ORLANDO - Elin Nordegren, aka Mrs. Tiger Woods, has made it crystal clear to "Tiggy" that she will stick around and celebrate Christmas with him for the sake of the kids, but on December 26, it's adios mother effer and her and the two kiddoes are bound for Sweden.

An insider reports that Tiger has offered the ex-Swedish model $80 million to stick by his side and let all of this "Golf Gate" mess settle down.

Elin reportedly said that it will be years before it settles down because she knows that the crotch of his pants has no intention of ever settling down.

She told him that admitted womanizer's like Senator John Edwards, Governor Mark Sanford, Senator John Ensign, basketball player Kobe Bryant, and Governor Eliot Spitzer all had affairs but only with one woman.

Tiger tried to tell Elin that he thinks that Kobe may have had a second affair with another woman somewhere in either New Hampshire or Montana.

Elin told him that she hopes that he had himself a damn happy good time poking all them over-inflated Barbie dolls because from here on out he is going to have one gigantic headache, one monstrous stomach ache, colossal bank account pain, and a whopper of an aching sensation in his groin region after she takes a driver and tees off on his wieneritus erecticus.

SIDENOTE: Elin Woods has already hired famed attorney Larkin Thackermeyer to be her legal council. Thackermeyer, who has a 209-0 record is the attorney who represented Bill Clinton in the highly public infamous 'Blue Dress - It Depends On What Your Definition of Is, Is' case.