Howie Mandel Refuses to go near Susan Boyle's Butt Hole on Larry King Live

TV dirty and dangerous job man Howie Mandel has cleaned sewers, scooped up clams from smelly mud, wiped pensioners asses in rest homes, artificially inseminated anteaters, washed down cadavers in morgues,given colonic irrigation to Elephants, castrated giraffes with his teeth and drenched donkeys for tapeworms. Viewers thought there was nothing that he wouldn't do for money until now.

Last night Larry King on CNN put the surprise challenge to him in a program dedicated to Howie's exploits:

"I got a phone call from Simon Cowell who wanted someone to depilate Susan Boyle because along with her weight it was another reason she couldn't fit into decent dresses for her shows" Said King,decrepit CNN journalist so infirm he uses special thick braces to keep him in his chair.

"I thought that since we had Howie on the show it would be great TV to put him to the challenge."

Cowell told me:

"We were spending a fortune on razors and soap and we realised that we needed someone special to take on the depilation job. The National Power Companies had refused to collaborate saying the National Grid woudn't stand the charge required for electrolytic hair removal. Their chief said, "you could hook that broad up to the Boulder Dam and she would blow all the fuckin' fuses". That's when we called Howie."

But Howie wasn't to be persuaded even though Susan was going to donate all her superfluous hair to charity, for stuffing soft toys for orphans at Christmas, making wigs for kids undergoing chemotherapy and as an ingredient for body armour for cash-strapped British soldiers in Afghanistan.

He told Larry,

"It turns my stomach. Just the idea of getting so close to her butt hole with a pair of tweezers makes me tremble, I'd be scared to be sucked right in!. I'd need a jungle guide and mosquito nets for her armpits, climbing equipment for her nasal passages and three gang-mowers for her legs, not to mention miles of rope for her moustache.

"I'd rather reclaim used condoms even if I have to suck out the contents with a straw.Why, you'd need the whole population of Rio all the bees in the fuckin' rain forest to give her a Brazilian wax!"

Cowell is now offering two million dollars for anyone intrepid enough to undertake this expedition and it is believed that he has already sold the documentary rights to National Geographic.

If the World-wide appeal is unsuccessful, Cowell says he'll either offer the job as first prize on the X-factor or sell the rights for it's use as one of the Challenges in "I'm a Celebrity" and will call it "I'm a Celebrity Pull My Pubic Hair".

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