Wild Horses Drag Susan Boyle Away (To Number One)

The music Industry went mad today when in response to disobliging remarks made by former sour-mouthed, former Polyfilla model and X-factor judge in a fright wig Sharon Osborne, the Heavy Metal Band Wild Horses blazed on to the scene with an elegy to Susan Boyle, winner of Britain's Got Talent.

Susan Boyle "A lovley lady"

Osborne who stormed off the show in order to increase ratings and collect $2mio said Boyle, who has proved a major success in America, was a "lovely lady" who had been hit by the "ugly stick".

Red Pecker sticks up for Susan

Red Pecker, lead singer of "Horses" said, "She can talk, the wizened old hag! She's had more surgery than Frankenstein. She made her millions from handbags made from the spare skin they cut off and from the soap they made from her fuckin' liposuction. Soap, that's they only reason Ozzy's been clean for so long"

About Boyle, the homely Scottish Lady who took the USA by storm with her fantastic voice he said

"She's a big beautiful lady and doesn't deserve what that bitch said about her. She the sort of gal that guys like me and other FOBBHAALWHIOUUP (Fanciers of Big Beautiful Hairy Armpitted Ladies With Hair In Other Usually Unhairy Places) would love to cuddle up to and keep manacled to the bed at home and force-feed with Big Macs. Her cellulite is dynamite! Gimme gimme gimme."

Drummer, Phil Fatlove agreed

"If she's been hit by an ugly stick, then Sharon Osborne was hit by a fucking tree in a hurricane!"

When we phoned Sharon's luxurious mansion home, only Ozzy was in and he said "Wot's the stupid cow bin oop to now? Fookin Nora, Susan oo, oh that the fat cow soombody 'it with an oogly stick that looks like our Kelly?

Hit me with your ugly stick

The band have written a special arrangement of the old Ian Dury song Hit Me! Specially for Susan who, because she likes in her spare time to hump a hod, has been called "The Builders' Bardot."

Neither her manager nor Susan were available for comment earlier today, but if we know Susan she's taken the opportunity to go back home to Blackburn Scotland toput her feet up in her council house.

Within hours of release the song had taken the charts by storm and Google, Twitter and U tube went down due to the unprecedented traffic it caused. Shops were sold out by the end of the day and were assailed by angry disappointed fans.

For them, here are the lyrics.


Hit me with your Ugly Stick

(lyrics by Wild Horses)

In the deserts of Sudan
And the gardens of Japan
From Milan to Yucatan
Susan Boyle I'll be your man

Hit me with your ugly stick.
Hit me! Hit me!
Susan Boyle, ich liebe dich,
Hit me! hit me! hit me!
Hit me with your ugly stick.
Hit me slowly, hit me quick.
Hit me! Hit me! Hit me!

In the wilds of Aberdare
Stroking your superfluous hair
On your back and on your toes
Shake your body to and fro.

Hit me with your ugly stick.
Hit me! Hit me!
Susan Boyle est fantastique!
Hit me! hit me! hit me!
Hit me with your ugly stick.
Love your sexy facial tic.
Hit me! Hit me! Hit me!

Hit me! Hit me! Hit me!

Talking of The Khyber Pass
Your face looks like a slapped arse
From Bombay to Santa Fe
Your adipose blows me away

Hit me with your ugly stick.
Hit me! Hit me!
C'est si bon, mm? Can I lick?
Hit me! hit me! hit me!
Hit me with your ugly stick.
One fat lady, click click click.
Hit me! Hit me! Hit me!

Tiger tiger burning bright
Illuminate her cellulite
Hindu Khush Hairy bush
Lie right down and push push push

Hit me with your ugly stick.
Hit me! Hit me!
Susan Boyle est fantastique!
Hit me! hit me! hit me!
Hit me with your ugly stick.
Love your sexy facial tic.
Hit me! Hit me! Hit me!

Hit me! Hit me! Hit me!
Hit me!
Hit me!
Hit me! Ow!
Hit me!
Hit me!
Hit me! hit me!
Hit me (x5)
Hit me! Hit me! Hit me

When we finally tracked Susan down in Scotland, she had just been to the local butcher's for a bone. When we told her the news she said "Och that Sharon Osborne's a wee fuckin' slut, nobody listens to her; but this Red Pecker, tell me more, how did you know I have special needs?"

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