Victoria Beckham To Be Sex Education Czar For Toddlers

London: Following on the great New Labour tradition of sucking-up to celebrities and making them feel wanted, the Balls Headed Ministry Of Education has appointed super-mother Victoria Beckham to be the new Education Czar.

Making her debut pronouncement yesterday, Victoria looked dazzling in clothes she'd purchased the previous weekend.

Having lunched sparingly in Knightsbridge and shopped lavishly in Sloane Street, the fabulous Queen of Clan Beckham swished her way into a Downing Street press conference to announce the results of her ten year behind-the-scenes survey of Sex in Britain.

"Ello you lot", she purred as she strode onto the platform. "David and the boys send their love and their bill for talkin' to you and I'm more than happy to read out my Queen's Speech that's been ritten for me which contains new rules about teaching tiny kids. I'll send you my own bill in the post".

"Sex education is to be compulsory to all children over five. This will apply to every school in England and parents will lose their right to withdraw their child from the lessons", she announced.

"We want to stop British girls getting themselves up the duff in their early teens" she explained. "So this is how Ed and Me are going to fix it".

"Tiny children will learn about parts of the body and will then sit national exams at the end of their first year at school. Every child will pass with an A* grade which later on will count towards an A-level in Biology".

"At six years old the children will drop subjects such as history and basic languages in order to specialize in the facts of life. A new Puberty Exam will be taken at Stage 1 and will involve little boys having to draw a coloured picture of a girls vagina with hairs on it with little girls attempting the reverse".

"The children will use each other as models but will have to imagine what pubic hairs look like or ask their mummies and daddies".

"At this stage, children who feel they are either gay or lesbian, will be examined on both their penis drawing skills as well as their vagina skills. However they will be awarded an 85% bonus of the total marks available in recognition of their minority status".

"Little girls seen pushing dollies in prams will immediately be put on the birth pill."

Then Victoria sat down to tremendous applause.

Mr Balls thanked her for being so clever and immediately decorated her with the newly created Tony Blair Medal which comes with an Honorary Science Degree.

After a change of clothes, Victoria will focus on measures to improve University education.

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