Man With Lilliputian Feet Takes World Largest Penis Award

London: Royal Albert Hall: The world penis record was smashed last night along with the myth that the size of a man's foot gives away the size of his tackle.

Victor Melchett-Barnowl, a ladies hairdresser from Stevenage turned up at the Royal Albert Hall last night to compete with a dozen other hopefuls for the title World's Largest Penis.

The prestigious sobriquet had fallen vacant following the recent arrest in Rome of UK rapper The Full Inch - responsible last month for blasting a hole in the roof of the building with an unscheduled erection.

Melchett-Barnowl, a mild mannered gentleman, provoked gales of laughter from the 5000 strong audience when he twinkle-toed his way onto the stage in a pair of size 2 ballet pumps.

Compère for the event, ex-Spice girl Mel B, took one look at his minuscule feet and shrieked so loudly they had to get her a replacement microphone. "Hello Victor", she eventually purred. "So what are you going to show us tonight, a monumental gherkin"?

Then Melchett-Barnowl pulled down his trousers and this gigantic 'thing' landed on the floor with a deafening thud.

"Don't distburb it", begged the gay stylist. "If it wakes up we'd have to clear the hall to avoid fatalities", he explained.

The other contestants, including a Russian and several Thai hermaphrodites, took one look at Victor's penis and immediately withdrew from the competition.

Unfortunately, Mel B was prevented from measuring the penis, because it reacts violently to being touched, even by a women. It was however awarded an estimated weight of 31 kilograms.

Victor Melchett-Barnowl is 28.

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