Cheryl Cole Bamboozled Into Nude Photo Shoot

Blokes dream about getting an eyeful of a completely naked Cheryl Cole. But that's where it usually ends. Just another wet dream. Penis's of the world Rejoice! The long wait is over! Behold, the promised land! Sexy Cheryl has fallen at last - bum tits and fanny - prey to one of the world's great photographic conmen.

Finally the secret curves, the soft bouncy bits and the fleecy gardens of the gorgeous Girls Aloud songbird are revealed, courtesy of that Maestro of all living Paparazzi, the incomparable Luigi Fanchini. How on earth's he done it this time?

Announcing a portfolio of completely nude Cheryl Cole photos, London agent Max Stiffard told a massed press conference today exactly how his client had once again done the impossible and found his way inside and underneath one of the most heavily guarded 'body palaces' in the world. Sitting down silently next to Stiffard was Fanchini himself in his trademark black leather jacket and sunglasses.

Secrets under wraps

"Luigi knew", explained Stiffard - "Luigi knew, even though he doesn't speak a word of English, that delicate songbirds like Cheryl Cole are bashful and nervous about being seen naked. They keep their secrets deeply hidden under wraps and strictly to themselves or the current man in their life".

"Having exposed Kate Middleton by brilliant use of a radio telescope and Katherine Jenkins by hiding underwater, Fanchini knew he had to come up with yet another completely original idea in order to trick the highly strung Miss Cole", continued Stiffard. "So he wrote her a letter".

---

My Dear Miss Cole. I doubt you have heard of me. I am the blind Nobel Prize Winning wheelchair ridden 78 year old Lorcasian Professor of Astronomy here at Cannus Christi College Oxbridge.

Before I die and and am taken to lie in State before burial in Westminster Abbey which Her Majesty The Queen will attend (alongside Prince Philip) might I ask you a very small personal favour.

I'll tell you more when you accept my invitation to lunch with me, on any date of your choosing, here in my rooms within the city of the dreaming spires.

Yours sincerely

Marcus Gawking etc.

---

This Monday, Cheryl Cole drew up at Cannus Christi College in her chauffeur driven stretch limousine. She went to the lodge and announced herself - "'Ello, I'm Cheryl from Girls Aloud an I've cum to see Prof Gawking".

The ancient silver-haired porter led her across a beautiful quadrangle and up a winding 17th Century staircase to a large oak door upon which was a brass plate that read Professor Gawking. He knocked. And very soon a quivering voice replied - "Enter".

Inside there were two people. An incredibly old man in a wheelchair wearing dark glasses and holding a white stick. Standing beside him was a nun about 60 years old and wearing a full habit with a pair of thick pebbly glasses that indicated she was very short sighted. This was Luigi Fanchini.

The old man in the wheelchair introduced himself. "Hello my child. I am Professor Gawking and this is Sister Constantia who I'm afraid vowed herself to a lifetime's silence many years ago and has never spoken since".

The old Professor was actually the heavily disguised RSC character actor Sir Larry Richardson who Fanchini had hired at an exorbitant rate of £1,000 per day for rehearsals and £10,000 for the actual performance. The porter was Bill Rodwell from the Ugly Mugs Film Extras agency who was grateful for a flat fee of £85.00 plus travel and a luncheon voucher. The room belonged to 20 year old undergraduate Chloe Briggs who was happy to accept £100 to disappear for the day.

Totally blind

After lunching on delicious smoked salmon sandwiches and very expensive cold 2001 Chablis at £45 per bottle, which had been spiked by Fanchini with a secret potion designed to inspire any young lady to do absolutely anything that's asked of her, Professor Gawking revealed his last bequest before his expected death on the morrow.

He explained to Miss Cole that although he was totally blind and was thus unable to verify particular details, others had informed him in the strictest confidence that she, Miss Cheryl Cole of an organisation called The Girls Aloud, was the most beautiful woman in the world. Would she confirm this fact?

Other men could say this and get a heavy slap in return on the ground that flattery gets you nowhere. But coming as it did from such a kindly blind man of obvious breeding and with such an internationally brilliant mind, it simply had to be the truth. Cheryl replied , "Yes, that's me".

The kind old 'blind' professor then told Cheryl that before he died he wished to complete his lifetime's studies of the cosmos by launching a time capsule of his work into space. Inside the capsule he would put all his scientific papers, all his experimental discoveries and all his worldwide medical breakthroughs including his secret cures for cancer, HIV and swine flu.

Cheryl smiled for she was extremely impressed and had come to love the old professor in the way girls sometimes love their father.

So when he asked if she would mind taking her clothes off so that Sister Constantia could take some photographs which would also be sent into orbit, Cheryl was only too happy to comply.

Simple logic told Miss Cole that anyone from a distant galaxy who ever found the Professor's capsule would be fascinated to observe exactly what an earthling woman looked like. Particularly the most beautiful earthling woman in the world.

"Fanchini the silent nun took hundreds of photographs of the naked Cheryl Cole", Stiffard declared. "We've got pictures of her from every possible angle, with and without silk panties, with and without lace brassiere, lying down, standing up, bending over, hanging from the ceiling - you name it, we've got it."

The shrieks of male delight and massive round of applause could have been heard ten miles away.

"So let's say we'll begin at £1million per photograph and take it from there", announced Stiffard.
"Make Luigi an offer he can't refuse".

As per usual, your correspondent then deposited his sealed bid of my maximum £4.99 made my excuses and left.

Your nude photographs of Cheryl Cole will be published on this thread the moment they arrive.

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