Google Axe 'Fuck' and 'Cunt'

Internet giant Google has suddenly and without warning decided to eradicate all references to the two most controversial words in the English language, Fuck and Cunt.

A statement on the Google site declares that use of the two words, particularly fuck, has ballooned out of control, leaving no alternative but to replace them both with two specially selected alternatives.

Following an exhaustive six month research programme, a team of West London etymologists has created two new words to replace the offending expletives. The new word tomp will replace fuck from January 2010 onwards. Another new word, dada, is set to simultaneously replace cunt.

Last night on Google, the single word fuck was still registering a massive 154million hits. Whereas cunt, although less popular, still managed an impressive 15million.

"Both words have run out of meaning", explained Oxbridge Professor of Linguistics JK Dumbleton.

"Cunt, for example, is commonly used as a metaphor for unconditional self-love. But it can also mean an unpleasant person. A stupid person, a despicable man or more commonly a derogatory epithet for a vile woman". It seems nobody can make up their mind what the word is actually meant to mean", he complained.

"Shakespeare, James Joyce and DH Lawrence all used cunt to excellent effect", he added. "Since then it's all become a load of bollocks".

Fuck is even worse. "Some fucking Londoners 'machine gun' the F-word through virtually every phrase they utter", moaned the Professor. "Besides which, the relatively new word 'shag' appears to have taken over from fuck to describe sexual intercourse. So it's fucking's fast becoming fucking redundant whatever we fucking choose to do about it".

The two new words tomp and dada have been created by a secret team of code makers from Chiswick in West London working under the umbrella title 'MitchkaWord'.

An anonymous spokesman for MitchkaWord said last night: Tomp was chosen to replace fuck because it's suitably harmless but also makes all the right nasal and guttural sounds for every possible meaning of its Anglo-Saxon original. If you want to tell someone to Fuck off, tomp off will soon do just as well.

As would the new expression for sexual intercourse. "Darling, see you later - I'm off out now for a quick tomp with the mistress".

Dada is similar. It was created for its versatility. And its historic connections with Dadaism and an appreciation of chaos. If you don't like somebody you'll still be able to call them a dada rather than a cunt and they'll still get the message.

Alternatively, the word has a nice playful quality, should the subject under discussion actually be such a marvellous thing as a ladies cunt.

Put the words together if you really don't like a person and you get the new phrase "tomping dada".

We expect that football grounds will particularly take to using the 'double' and will very soon adapt to the new song "The Referee's A Tomping Dada".

PS: Anyone not agreeing with these new arrangements can tomping well tomp off and tomping stick the tomping lot up their tomping dada,

PPS: We gratefully acknowledge this story was inspired by an equally brilliant story within the magazine section of this site:- "Orwellian Thoughts On being Kicked Off An Internet Forum For Using A Four Letter Word".