European Population in Crisis - Chief Rabbi - And It's That Atheist Bastard Dawkin's Fault!

According to the Chief Rabbi Lord Sacks, Europe's birthrate is in crisis because of attacks on religion by secular writers such as Richard Dawkins.

"Today's culture of "consumerism and instant gratification" has led to a rapid decline in birthrates. There are a thousand different varieties of flavoured condom out there that people prefer to lick rather than giving the snake a real bath. Blokes see some sexy advert in the street and bang! They're up a back-alley having a wank instead of waiting until they get home to the missus."

He made his comments at a lecture for the Christian think tank 'Theos 'in London on Wednesday.

"The people of Europe just do not seem to be prepared to make the sacrifices for parenthood these days. Women are encouraged to have careers to pay for the house, the car and the television and by the time they get broody it's too bloody late or their old men are too tired or shooting blanks or can't get it up at all. Of course women up to 80 can have in vitro fertilisation but that's almost as bad as GM crops. We'll end up with a Continent full of Frankensteins and their brides! Even they aren't immune to consumerism and would probably spend most of their time at Bodyshop rather than on the job; even if the sutures are tight enough to stop their dicks falling off!"

The Archbishop of Canterbury agreed, saying

"You'd think with modern clothing technology providing all manner of quick-release mechanisms that modern couples would be at it all the time. I had special flaps put in my Liturgical Robes because I was fed up with how long it took me to get them off. Even then I never bother taking off my Mitre because it makes the wife horny and lube up well, she is seventy after all."

The Rabbi added,

"In all societies, Christian, Jewish or Muslim - the more religious the community, the larger on average are their families. It is the Neo-Darwinian writers such as Richard Dawkins and Daniel Dennett who are waging a major assault on religion - it's enough to affect anyone's angle of dangle!"

There was major concern at the meeting because the rise of secularism in Europe has led to it being the only region of the World where populations are falling.

Cardinal Patrick O'Condom, Vatican spokesman on Reproductive Issues said

"It is quite true what the Rabbi says. Even putting the fear of God into the Italians and the Spanish hasn't succeeded in stopping them using rubber johnnies. All the gruesome images we put about in Europe and developing countries about them causing nasty infections and being the equivalent of killing babies have little effect. We even capitulated somewhat and encouraged people in sub-Saharan Africa with AIDS to keep at it like knives regardless of the risk. I must admit that the latter did work, but maybe it was not all our doing. It was more related to the save the black rhino campaign slogan "Preserve the Horn of Africa", although I don't think that was quite understood by them."

The meeting was in agreement that we are undergoing the moral equivalent of climate change and no-one is talking about it. It is "the work of Dawkins and The Devil."

So, is Richard Dawkins "The Devil's Chaplain?" Is he damming-up "The River out of Ede"n with latex and Oestradiol derivatives? We interviewed him at his luxury three story town house in Oxford. His wife, Lala ex-Dr. Who companion showed us in.

The interview was very informal and took place next to the Aga stove in the pastel kitchen furnished by Smallboneof Devises (we have to keep women interested in this boring crap).

"I hope you don't mind", said Dawkins, "The study is full of pictures of Darwin and evolution posters, I only ever use it when I want to annoy the "Men in Frocks", they always leave really upset."

We asked Dawking s what he thought about the statements but we were interrupted by two small children.

"Oh, excuse me, these are our latest, although Lala's got another one in the oven. Lala! Lala! (she was in the garden)! What are these two called, oh Malthus and Wallace both less than three years old; go on run along and play, rascals! Oh I wish I was religious sometimes, what a pleasure it would be to see the look on the vicar's face when he called out those names. How many do we have now Lalla? That's right, twenty two kids - I'm on the nest most nights when I'm not on tour selling books and giving talks. During the day there are so many of the little buggers about . This place is just like La La land with all the fucking teletubby dolls on the floor. Oh that's the doorbell, it must be Huxley our eldest just back from Uni. Look, the others will be in from school soon, so you'd better go if you don't want to be killed in the stampede for supper."

The Theos think tank?

"Oh those bloody priests are always going on about sex! Look around you, all those kids' paintings, sponge bob fridge magnets, piles of muddy shoes. Does it look like I'm not into procreation? No, you'll have to go elsewhere to find your answer. I just write books to pay for this bloody lot. They're not rubbish, no; I just sex them up a bit to cause controversy, they sell better. Nothing like criticising God and the clergy for selling books. Some of my best friends are Bishops. Others of course are athiests, regular Bishop-bashers."

It is a definite trend that populations are diminishing in Europe since the British Government has been reduced to importing people from all parts of the World and we went away puzzled at the cause. On our way to the station we got caught up in a demonstration of "Lesbians for adoption of Piccaninnies" in Brasenho's lane, where we were lucky enough to stumble upon Dawn Lovedyke, the President of the Gay and Lesbian Adoption Society and webdyke superior of lesbiangaia.web.

"The LAGAS has done it's bit for increasing the European population, we adopt Inuits from the Yukon, disabled African orphans, you name it we'll convert it to our cause. Have you read my new book? "The Human Male - A Lesbian Without Tits?".

The crowd was heaving and things were looking dangerous so we sought refuge inside an Occult Bookshop nearby.

"My my what a small World it is!"

To our surprise, it was Satan who we had recently interviewed for an article on Halloween.

"Excuse us please it was like a corner of Hell out there....oh sorry .. we didn't mean.."

"Many a true word indeed. No I'm not upset. In fact I have a corner of Hell specially reserved for Lesbians with no sense of humour. Not got your friend from Hello magazine with you?"

"We ought to be going er.... no immunity...er...damnation"

No, no, don't worry yourselves on that account. That's only when you are on my home turf in the Embassy, official soil of Hell, you know, or perhaps you don't; it's Interdimensional Law. I'm allowed to take any soul that encroaches you see, unless I choose to give them immunity from damnation. Here, I'm "Abroad", you know as in "The Devil is abroad in the land" sort of thing, you are quite safe. On your turf, as it were, you choose to be damned or not, as you wish."

"Oh in that case Sata... I mean.... Nick. Would you consent to a short interview?

"Hell, fire away then, do forgive the pun."

"Are you responsible for the decline in birthrate in Europe?"

"Here we go again! Those bloody churchmen trying to pin it all on me! I think I told you last time, I'm not all bad! It all goes back to Adam and Eve, as I think I mentioned last time. God has no idea of Human psychology. Why didn't he just say "See that long pink thing there Adam, whatever you do don't shove it in Eve's neat little slit under that fig leaf and Eve whatever you do, don't let him or you will be foreved damned to the place of wailing and gnashing of teeth! But did he? Of course not!

If the bloody priests, particularly the Catholics, think there's a problem with population, they don't actually set the best example do they? Celibates the lot of them, never touch a women unless she's made of stone or plaster. The Holy Virgin of Merida, "miraculously" exudes milk from her bare breast at the feast of the Assumption. Why, because Fr. Gonzalez wanked over her tits once and now he does it once every year because, not only does he get perverted pleasure from it, he found he could make a lot of money from it selling trinkets and relics; just don't ask what he sells in those little bottles. I heard that the bottles have been responsible for miracles. That's the placebo effect for you. If they really knew what they were smearing over themselves, people cured of cancer would have relapses and those cured of lameness would be falling down in the streets! The rest of the time he contents himself with choirboys. If you make money for the Vatican, they'll absolve you of anything."

"It isn't only the Catholics surely"

"No, there's that beardy bloke, the Chief Rabbi. Now he really does set a good example. Thirty kids, a shrivelled wife and a sore cock; serves him right for being circumcised. Unspeakable practice! Take my advice, never accept a "potato crisp", anything crisp from a Rabbiif you are invited to a Bar=mitzvah! The Queen even gave him a knighthood for his services to procreation - he never used it though, didn't take the hint. He'll find out though. When they're all roaming the desert again looking for the promised land he won't even be able to feed his kids with a morsel of foreskin cheese."

"So, paradoxically, what you are saying is that to increase the birthrate we have to have a European ban on sex."

"I suppose so, only it's God who does paradoxes better than me. But look at the Chinese, billions of the buggers. They told the population they could have only one kid for each couple. They were worried that the population would increase too fast for them to get their army up to scratch so they could invade Mongolia and Russia for more space. What happens? Well the official population decreases but that's just because the commies are good at massaging figures. But up in the hills there are communities at it like rabbits, or is is gerbils over there? Communities crawling with kids just because it's illegal, even pain of death doesn't stop them. QED I think.

I can see you are eyeing the door, don't worry, no offense taken. Come back anytime, I'm here quite often, just to reassure the old buffer that owns the place that he's doing a good job."

The crowd had died down outside and we had to be on our way. We passed the time on the journey back to the office wondering what laws might be passed in the EU to encourage procreation. A tax on latex products? Oestradiol made a controlled substance with high penalties for its use? No, that would be too encouraging. No they'll have to bring back the death penalty.

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