Satan Blasts Pope for Halloween Scaremongery

Feast of the Antichrist

The Vatican today condemned the growing popularity of Halloween as "Anti Christian" and "dangerous". Catholic bishops criticised parents who allow their children to dress up as ghosts, goblins, zombies and other associated ghouls.

In an article, "The dangerous message of Halloween" published in the official Vatican Newspaper "Chiesa Ossificata Romana" a church spokesman said that the undercurrent of bloody images and the idea of the resurrection of the dead and their walking the earth as ghosts and apparitions in limbo is absolutely Anti-Christian and the work of the Devil.

Vandals and Hooligans

In the USA youngsters are being banned from wearing scary masks just in case they frighten people. A spokesman for the personal injury and damage lawyers association, Ted Gredie said,

"This is absolutely ridiculous and it is being done just to deprive us lawyers of a decent living. We used to be able to get clients a million dollars for just a mild shock and ten million for shitting their pants plus extra for cleaning and embarrassment and further compensation for the whole neighbourhood because of the smell. Now parents won't let the kids out how will we make a living?"

The Chief of Police of Crapsville Indiana said of the dangers:

"It is not sending out the right message to kids. The rest of the year they are being told never to accept sweeties from strangers and that vandalism is a bad thing in the community then at Halloween all Hell breaks loose! This year we are clamping down. Anyone offering treats to trick-or-treaters will be arrested as potential paedophiles, trick-or-treaters will be arrested for blackmail and extortion and those who trick will be facing extra public order charges if not worse. Accompanying parents will be arrested for aiding and abetting, being co-conspirators in crimes and anything else we can think of."

Vatican Cover-Up

Of course Halloween it may be, but it is also the eve of All Saints Day which precedes All Souls Day which are in fact two Christian religious festivals in both Catholic and Anglican churches. In Mexico and elsewhere,relatives visit cemeteries and leave food offerings for the dead in the form of small bread effigies.Priests say masses for the departed souls at extortionate prices for the usually poverty-stricken relatives and the Catholic Church creams off the benefits of selling the fear of the unknown and happiness when they die.

Halloween has developed into the current secular celebration from its origins which were based in Pagan festivals that celebrated the start of the darker part of the year and because the primitive fears associated with the difficult times of winter and the uncertainty of the return of the sun in spring. Many festivals can be found in many cultures and the Church of Rome has successfully transformed them into "Saints' Days" and other days of religious significance, to the extent that their origins have been lost to all except experts in folklore; even Christmas itself replaced the ancient Roman midwinter feast of Saturnalia.

Naked Cavorting

Emily Spermworthy of the 'Oven Coven' of the 'Sisters of Beelzebub' who meet every Wednesday over the cake shop in High Road Kilburn, London (England), told our reporters,
"Yes, of course here in Britain, Halloween is completely manufactured from what goes on in the USA which, as everyone knows, is sponsored by The Pumpkin Growers' Association, who have to sell what otherwise is a disgusting vegetable that nobody wants to eat and which is only fit as a door-stop or to hollow out as a silly lamp.

"People travelling the World will always bring back mementos of the cultures they visit as cultural souvenirs; you know, penis gourds from New Guinea, dried Coca leaves from Peru. This has increased since the 1980's with the increase in air travel. Look at coriander leaves, nobody even touched that shit until the sex-tourism industry to Thailand brought it back here along with lemon grass, nasty acquired infections and goodness knows what else.

"It is a complete travesty of our Holy Samhain festival that we celebrate each year,Cavorting and shrieking the blackest blasphemy with our Horny Master on Hampstead Heath and in other isolated spots throughout the country. Trick-or-Treat,what nonsense! Everyone knows this has nothing to do with cloven hooves and caressing the hairy back and whiskery chin of Satan Himself. No tricks for us, but plenty of treats; what with the unholy sacrifices and steamy multiple couplings on the altar. Did I mention Cherie Blair would be taking the place of honour this year?"

Apparently the Devil has not always been involved in what were previously traditional Earth Worship rites. However, in 1948, a group of people were dancing naked on Hampstead Heath and a police car arrived. In their embarrassment and fear of prison and exposure in the papers they all inadvertently prayed too fervently to whomsoever might be there to hear and since then the Devil has figured in all such rites (and the policemen were never seen again).

Interested to know more and to get a rarely-obtained side of the Halloween story we were very grateful to Mrs. Spermworthy for facilitating a meeting with Satan, the Incubus of Evil himself. This took a little time, but eventually we were able to obtain the necessary paperwork and, a very unusual privilege, complete (temporary) immunity to damnation for ourselves at the Daily Wail and (a personal stipulation by the Horned Beast himself) reporters from Heat and Hello magazines, for a rare interview with Satan himself at his Embassy in London in the basement of the Tony Blair Foundation in Grosvenor Square. We were assured, we could pose any questions that we might choose.

Exclusive Interviews - His Satanic Majesty Requests

We were met at the door by a dapper little man in a pin-striped suit who explained that he was Mr. Henry Chigley, "High Magus to His Satanic Majesty, The Prince of Darkness, Diabolic Highness of Not Everything Bad That Happens you Understand, Overseer of the Damned, Winnower of Souls in Purgatory, and Keeper of the Keys to Hell". He led us down some stairs and along a dark hall in which, as we progressed, we heard sounds of wailing and gnashing of teeth and the temperature rose yard by yard.

"I shall introduce you into The Presence," said Chigley opening two large iron-studded doors. After a while in the anteroom we were led into a plain office with dark red walls and Chigley announced us,

"The er.. Reporters, Oh Horned One, all the paperwork is all in order."

Satan's voice was a voice among voices a cross between Stephen Fry, Christopher Plummer and a slightly superior bank manager.

"Don't mind Chigley, officious little man; don't underestimate him either, he's a real bad one, you have to be to get a job like his. I won't go into details but let's just say don't let him near children or animals with a rope, a razor blade, a pair of pliers and a Viagra tablet. So let us get on! Get off the seat bonzo, fido! Oh these hounds of hell! Just can't tell them; well at least the seats are warm."

DW: Well er.. Satan..

"Do call me 'Nick', not Old mind; though ancient of days I may be. But I do like to keep in trim, just for the ladies of the Sisters of Beelzebub, you understand. I'm not vain, but the old dears deserve a good showing once a year and I would so hate to disappoint. Oh, by the way, don't worry about the wailing it's only on the iPod, my latest invention."

DW: Er... Nick. The Pope has condemned Halloween as Antichristian. As The Antichrist what is your response?

"Look, you know you can't trust a word that er... man, and I use the word with certain caveats, says. Can't anybody see that by looking at his eyes? He, well, all of them actually used to be one of ours, then there was a falling out and, a Pius or was it a Clement or was it a Borgia? All so long ago now! But they didn't agree with me, they wanted to saddle children with original sin. I couldn't accept that, I'm not all bad. Why, it's the only place anyone is safe from me, or them for that matter, in the womb. They went off and set up their own Company. They're no better than me. They won't allow birth control, they don't like homosexuals, and they won't allow medical techniques that can save lives, not me!"

DW: What about God, the Garden of Eden?

"Mea culpa of course, but anyone could see that woman would never have been able to resist temptation and Adam as a man would never resist a woman and I had a job to do. Surely they're not still banging on about that! If God had had any sense he would have said, "Right here's Eden, everything you need, eat all the fruit you want, particularly from that tree over there!". Then she would have never thought of touching the apple; would've told Adam the fruit was no good for his waistline or something, would have beaten me off with a stick. Goodness knows the World would have become populated ten times faster if He hadn't said in that grand voice of his 'be fruitful and multiply, go on screw yourselves silly ten times a night'. What happens,? Headaches, body image problems, 'get off we'll wake the kids',fungal infections,and all the rest. You've heard all the excuses no doubt.

But we mustn't ignore our two friends here."

Heat: Bus or Taxi?

"What? Oh I see, different readership. Taxi, but only driven by a suicide bomber or a paedophile."

Heat: Your idea of Heaven?

"Much overrated."

Heat: Your idea of Hell?

"No place like home, is that what you were expecting? Well I could also say the pages of your Magazine, at least that's what it seems like to most people, but I'm not most people and your little arsewipe does further my cause a little. No, Hell for me is the person who sees clearly what is going on. He who can see through everything I have tried to do and everything else that happens to cause chaos. He who sees through to the fundamental absurdity of the whole exercise called life. If the Pope wasn't such a dishonest Pontiff, he would give you the same answer. Or is that too intellectual a response for the small minds of your readers?"

Heat: Did you invent pornography?

"Of course not, it would have been much more imaginative than it is"

Heat: You are, well, half and half, you know sort of half beast and half, well, sort of man, if you ignore the horns, er..

"Is there a point to this?"

Heat: Do you have a goat's cock or..?

"There that wasn't so difficult was it, had you forgotten your immunity? Let's just say, that, after tomorrow night, both Emily Spermworthy and Cherie Blair will have such very big smiles on their faces they won't care what it was that put them there. Tony Blair won't be getting any for a while and Emily will gladly wait another year. Not that Tony would have got much anyway because I'm keeping him so busy seeding chaos among the Jews and the Arabs. He is also very preoccupied building up shell companies to hide the wages of sin that he doesn't even get a minute for self-abuse. But just between you and me I have lined up a pox-ridden houri for him in the back streets of Cairo when he does a quick stopover next year to fill his coffers; just to remind him who is the boss, to work a bit harder and seal our pact a little firmer when he comes to me for help.

And our other friend here?"

Hello: Well, actually we usually do our photo shoots in flash houses. We just pretend they're the homes of the people involved because their taste is so bloody awful we couldn't possibly go there and then we make up the rest too.

"I know, red isn't the in-colour this year. No City view from the office window either. I suppose you'd have me pose up against some Tudor fireplace in the Tower of London! Chigley! See this man out. Goodbye, I'm going to have such fun when you die. There are seven rooms in hell, and I'll decorate them all with you!"

DW: If we can get back; The Pope?

"Listen! Halloween, not guilty! Blood-soaked ghoulish images, scaring people? Have you seen inside a Catholic church lately? It's a regular anatomy lesson, a veritable exercise in haematology and surgical mutilation, particularly in Spain! Enough to put the wind up anybody and there to do exactly that. There's even an exhibition of the stuff on in London at the moment and I wouldn't bother taking the kids unless you want your car full of vomit! Just because it's at some swanky museum doesn't make it any better than the London Dungeon!

"I didn't invent ghosts, it wasn't me who rolled away the stone. I didn't appear to the Apostles three days later; no mention of ghosts in the Old Testament. In fact I quite liked Jesus,he told a good parable, but he was one of those who could see through anything, even me, even the corruptness of the Jewish religion of the time. I'll tell you, those forty days in the desert were the nearest to my idea of Hell I ever came! Pope! Schmope! Have you looked closely at his shoes? Small aren't they, sort of goat-sized wouldn't you say? Still think he's not one of us?"

DW: What about God then?

"Oh He means well I'm sure, but He's been overtaken by big business. That's all religion is, big business, selling uncertainty as certainty; selling freedom from fears and threat, both originally manufactured by the Church. No better than cigarettes and coffee and probably more addictive. Ask them about St. John. You won't get an answer. He said everyone would be saved and that is the truth. They don't like that idea, there's nothing they can frighten them with then! It's just my job to see that people don't save themselves from themselves while they're here on Earth, the Church doesn't like that; it sees itself as having a monopoly on mind control by guilt and fear.

"Hell, like the Anglicans' God, is a very personal thing, you must understand this; people can arrive there by many different ways and each of you suffer your own personal experience of it. Oh yes God IS omnipotent He IS omniscient and He is loving, but He's a Quantum God you see. Try to measure one parameter, the wave collapses and you can't measure the others. Causes Him no end of problems. When He tries to see when a disaster will occur He can't prevent it and doesn't give a damn. When He tries to care about the poor, He can't see or do anything, when He tries to do something he can't care or see anything. He's just an impotent spectator at a big porn show. How can I put it? He loves you, yes, but when He feels the emotion His arms automatically drop off so He has a bit of a problem pulling you to his bosom as it were. Put his arms back on - all feeling and ability is gone.

"So He's in similar quandary as Schrodinger's cat neither dead or alive; omniscient,omnipotent and caring and none of them all at the same time. He made the bloody Universe, He should have been a bit more careful and not got caught out by its physical laws, just like a bomber who accidentally blows himself up in his own Big Bang."

DW: And Mohammed, the Mormons other Religions?

"Poor old bugger, Mohammed was blind, he didn't know whether it was God or Me or one of his goats who was speaking to him, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway, it turned out just the same didn't it?

"The Mormons, well, I have to admit, that was just to annoy the Catholic church and the Jews. It's a parody of religion if you look hard enough into it, quite a work of art and imagination actually. Polygamy, oh joy! I knew that would grate with a bunch of celibates. Other religions, well they were just artefacts on the road to the Mormons, sort of draft scripts.

"TV evangelists, nothing to do with me, just humans lacking imagination as usual. Anyway why should the Pope have a monopoly? It's completely against the free market. Look, we don't have too much time left, just a couple more questions each, I have business to attend to in Zimbabwe, Ethiopia and the Sudan and a bunch of new recruits to the cause in Brussels."

DW: Well er.. your proudest achievement?

"Oh, so many to choose from! Microsoft, call centres in India, Reality TV, CCTV cameras,KFC, Mc.Donald's, Health and Safety, stereotypes, prejudice, political correctness, politicians, parking meters, estate agents and realtors, US customs officials, lawyers, shop assistants, environmentalists, Greenpeace, The French (much the best according to some) and everybody who complains about all those things. But really if I have to choose, two stand out above all, certainty and uncertainty, they cause more trouble than enough. That was such an unfair question you rascal!"

DW: Failure?

"The Grim Reaper. Can't get him to take anyone before their time or leave them be because they are really doing a sterling job for me. He just looks at me and says, "thermodynamics mate". He's more neutral than the fucking Swiss and the Swedes. Offered him everything! But still, I suppose I can't expect the needs of a pile of bones in a robe to be that great. Couldn't even tempt him with a new scythe! When I find out who he was I'll go looking for his soul and then we'll see; I'm nothing if not an optimist."

Heat: That's all a bit highbrow Nick, something for our readers perhaps? Danni or Kylie?

"Kylie, definitely my best job, just a little whim on my part. Not the cancer, that was God's paradox again, but vaginismus - look it up. Not one good relationship, the blokes get fed up with knocking at the door and not gaining entry and bugger off eventually. She's never been the same since Michael Hutchence. Makes a packet of course but happy? I don't think so.

"But I do envy God, I do wish I had invented Him, but you just can't make some things up so I suppose technically that's a failure too."

Heat: Doggy or Missionary?

"A question better put to bonzo and fido here perhaps? Now, if you'll both excuse me gentlemen, I have things to do and your immunity runs out very shortly."

Heat: Just one more please Nick, the readers are dying to know. Homosexuality?

"I didn't create the Universe or man did I? But I did create prejudice I'll admit. It can be used against homosexuals, black, white, anything else indeed. Who you choose to vilify unfairly is nothing to do with me, prejudice is for you to choose or reject! Me and God, we just present you with choices, you decide and the Churches and the Pope are there to 'help' you of course, if you are fool enough to listen after what you have found out today. You have free will, don't you? It's God's fault that you are all so bloody imperfect not mine; as Chief Winnower of Souls I'm just quality control in the end I suppose. Chigley!"

DW: A final word for the Readers?

"Oh, well I'll take the liberty of speaking for both Me and His mincing 'Holiness' and just say, don't do anything we would do eh?"


We did approach God for an interview but pray as we might we couldn't get through to Him or anyone in his office. The Pope too was busy, having urgent business with his manicurist.

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