Iranian State TV: Allah Actually Just Some Mean Old Bearded Dude Trying to Run Iran

In a stunning reversal of approach in reporting the daily news, Iranian State-run news channel, PressTV, announced today what many Iranians had figured out a couple of weeks ago: Allah is actually just some mean old bearded guy hanging out and running Iran.

According to PressTV, The lofty Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khamenei (aka "Allah"), who has proclaimed the recent and apparently rigged presidential election results a "divine assessment," often "works in mysterious ways frequently defying all rationalization and logic and has done so for 20 years."

Yet, "until June 12 and the resulting election fiasco, many people of Iran just thought it was some vague God-being in the sky (including perhaps His Prophet) that was ultimately responsible for their collective misery," the PressTV report explained. "In fact, many Iranians felt it was God's Will that they had been shit on -- that they were, perhaps, deserving of it. However, thankfully now, that erroneous notion has been flushed down the toilet for good."

Although foreign news reporters are severely restricted and currently banned from reporting "negative" news concerning the fallout from the elections within Iran, one anonymous 20-something Iranian woman echoed the PressTV bombshell report.

"All this time I was wondering why Allah felt it necessary to shit all over me, like, every day of my life," the woman explained via e-mail to CNN. "I was like, 'Allah, why do you insist on shitting on me like this?' But now it all makes sense: it's just that angry old man who thinks he's God! Now I'm really pissed!

Although "Allah" has yet to budge concerning the official election results in Iran, many note that Allah's status has diminished substantially as a result of "Allah's" divinely ordained obstinance.

As one flabbergasted protester noted in Farsi via the popular message site Twitter, "no enemy of Islam could have possibly precipitated such a sweeping crisis of Faith amongst its followers, including in the theocratic government of Iran, than that of some nutty-assed idiot bearded fuck proclaiming Godly status whilst engaging in mass deception for the ultimate 'good' of 'His' people! Somebody needs to bring that high and mighty nutcase back down to earth and beat the remaining crap out of him."

Note, although we've gone to great lengths ensuring nothing was lost in the preceding translation, Google Translate's use is rather limited with Farsi. Well it sucks frankly. So for instance, "nutty-assed idiot bearded fuck" is simply something we assume our source must have stated, so we ran with it.

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