Large Hardon Collision Responsible for Loss of Pornstars' Pubic hair - Quantum research in San Fernando Valley

Secret site in San Fernando Valley - The LHC in Geneva has been touted by some as a step on the road to oblivion for our planet because they say it will open up a black hole that will swallow the galaxy. However a miniature version of the LHC built in secret in the San Fernando Valley Ca., especially for a film devised to exploit dreadful sexual puns on The Nuclear Physics of particles has been less publicised yet the discoveries may well be no less World-shattering.

Special build by Victor Nicholas - Beset by glitches

Built specially for the industry by Victor Nicholas and Associates of somewhere up the Swannee the Large Hardon Collider, as it has been named, will launch male and female porn stars at each other to see what happens. However, there have been some glitches in the race to get it up and running.

The first was when Brianna Bangswell, well-known for her film antics with food had a baguette launched at her in a trial run at the specially designed underground establishment.

A spokesman for Hadron films told us

"We expected it to be smashed into smithereens on impact, but no, it was full-on penetration. She'll be out of action now spitting crumbs for six weeks. I told them they should have used a carrot or cabbage but the physicists said that would be too heavy and looking at the damage done by French bread I reckon she would have ended up as remoulade or coleslaw. They say her pubes will never grow back though so on the plus side she won't have to shave ever again, but that does exclude her from some scenes."

Because of the mass of porn stars the mini LHA doesn't need to use near-light speeds and when we visited the secret site we noticed it looked little different to a rather large catapult aimed at a bed. However, even this can cause damage, as it did in the most recent hitch, where due to overstretching, which caused a fracture in the elastic, Fritz Fitzem sustained damage that put him right out of the porn business forever.

Sophisticated Research on Standard Models

This intensive and highly sophisticated research was explained to us by Joe one of the film makers:

"You see, many things go into making up the standard porn model. There are firmones, which can be heavy or light and according to their type may spin or may just vibrate a little but all models have them.

All known firmones are called dirac firmones, named after Rosie Dirac the first known porn star. But, because of the Pauli Exclusion Principle if more than one firmone occupies the same place in space, the properties of each firmone (e.g. its spin) must be different from the rest. Therefore, firmones are usually associated with models that matter in porn. People like variety after all.

Bosoms are often force carriers, though the distinction between the two concepts in quantum porn is unclear and most viewers don't seem to be able to tell the difference. But we do know that some prefer firmones and others who seem to discriminate more like bosoms.

All firmones come in three "flavours" black, white and yellow and each of the flavours has 5 different states, up, down, sideways and spinning.

On the Standard Model there are two types of elementary firmones: quarks and leptons.

Quarks are just normal and consist only of bosoms ; the name quark was coined because they had the appearance of that alien on Star trek. Leptons are very popular as their name suggests but they have hardly any bosoms, consisting mainly of silicons and sometimes even gluons which assure their integrity. Some are so tightly bonded by the strong force that they hardly move at all but the strong force they have attracts all comers.

All firmones have one biteon which is so firmly bound that we never see them fly off during hardon collisions.

There are many models in the standard. There are the cumons, discovered by that Jap guy Simi Bukakke; the backons that move in reverse; the bog standard missions which still despite everything have their attraction. Then there is a whole group called the nicheones which consist of Milfs, Olduns (generally quarks in the down state) and Midgetons, the smallest available in the standard model.

The trouble comes with antifirmones. They don't like the current models and never come to see a film

However, a while back Jerry Higgs of Santa Maria films postulated the existence of the Higgs bosom a very light model, hardly visible at all except for a small biteon on the surface. They don't spin, they don't vibrate but Jerry thinks they'll prove exciting because they have a force that attracts the antifirmones back into their seats and will provide a universal standard model for quantum porn."

All this quantum porn is highly complicated but we had one last question for Joe:

"Can we expect to see any black holes; will it mean oblivion for quantum porn?"

"Holes of any kind and colour are good news, they swallow up anything and they have such a universally strong force of attraction that nobody can resist and they'll restore our faith in the porn universe!"

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