Chinese Weather Modification Goes Wrong - Thirty Feet of of Poop Causes Traffic Chaos

With a population of 1.4 billion China has many problems. However, none is more important than how to feed this vast amount of people. With climate change, desertification is on the rampage in the country and the loss of fertile land to deserts is inexorably increasing day by day.

Fertile plains and valleys are being choked, drainage systems blocked and it is estimated that Beijing will disappear under a vast dune complex within 25 years. Although weather modification is possible by seeding clouds and the atmosphere with Iodide crystals they are seeking greener and more environmentally friendly ways to modify rainfall. These efforts have been an exemplary demonstration of how international cooperation can work at its best and were reported in this week's issue of Old Scientist.

US Science to the rescue?

A joint project between the Acadian University at Coonsville Lo., (Traylor-Park Campus) and the Justus Wiesedt Universitaet at Bad-Schmellengutz Germany funded by aid from GTZ (Deutsch Gesellschaft fur Zuzammenarbeit) and the CIA (Compassionate International Aid) has been underway for some time with the intention of using the vast amounts of food waste instead of Iodide for cloud seeding to alleviate China's problem.

When we visited the Justus Wiesedt University, Pr. Heinz Beenz of the Department of Environmental Emissions, Manure and Compost Studies explained the background.

"At our Universitaet ve having are much experience of ze zeeding of ze clouds wiz Iod. In ze famuz wein region of Bad-Schmellengutz every yahr suffering vere ze growers from ze hailsturms vich lot of demmage making vere on ze grepvines. By Iod seeding auf ze clouds at early stage instead of hailstein machen in ze clouds vere ve rain machen vich demmage not ze plants. But ze Iod haff disadvantage it turn starch in potato and vheat blue and we seeing beginnung are zat ze bread getting different colour."

Pr. Jack Schitte of the Department of Overseas Aid and Fertilizer Studies at Coonsville took up the story:

"We had jus' bin approached by the CIA cuz they said they wuz concerned 'bout the situation with the chinks. An' they threw a 'hole bunch o' dollars at us saying ifn you think you can do sumthin' git on an' do it quick. I'd heard o' Heinz an his work over in Krautland so I high-tailed it to see ifn there wuz sumthin we could do together."

"Anyhow we got our heads together an with Heinz's experience with 57 varieties of compost an' cowshit we came up with the idea of using food waste to seed clouds. It wuz cheap an' it wuz green an' the spoo.., I mean coordinators of the CIA seemed to think it wuz a good idea."


First Successful Experiments

Heinz Beenz said,

"Vell, ve getting ze vayste foods from ze restaurants around Bad-Schmellengutz are. Ziz vas mennly bits of weiner, bratwurst sauerkraut, kartoffeln potato und uzzer stuff ze people like tourists leaving on zair platten are. Not Germans you zee,ve alvays eat all zat shit zat iz vhy ve all so very fatzen und sveating are. Zair no problemen voz except zat for a few veeks ze schwein of Bad-Schmellengutz feeding have to be on proper pig foods.

"Zen developing ve vere spezial prozessen for ze powder machen from all ziz vayste and zeeding of ze clouds began using small pyroteknische rocketten just as zey do viz ze Iod. It werken sehr gut, ve haff seven days of raining fron just two rocketten.

"Vizzin wery few days ve success having vere und zo ve pass ze projekt to Jack in Amerika."

Having perfected the seeding powder Coonsville then took the reins, working out the best delivery systems and also adapting the German process to produce powders from typical chinese foodstuffs.

"It wuz a piece o'fuckin' Possum piss adaptin' the process to that chink food but firework rockets! That's jus' un-American we's gotta do things better than some pissy coonass squib. In the end we developed a system of delivery usin' an ole' WW2 B52 Bomber that got the stuff into the air jus' right but at forty thousand feet. That's the Amercan way to put it in the pussy hole!

"We passed it over to the CIA who said theyz a goin' to send a 'hole squadron to the chinks.

"Wazzat?

"No I didn't meet no chink scientists; all that wuz the CIA fellahs, theyz got the translaters an all those smart fuckers up at their place. I jus did the job an' spent their cotton-pickin dough an' didn't ask questions, jus' like they tole me in that little interview room.

"Whaddya mean did I see any of the SOB's?

"Weeell, now yah mention it no, but it wuz kinda difficult with that light in my eyes all the fuckin' time."

High-Level "Chemtrail" Seeding Dumps on China

From what we have been able to ascertain from our sources the next stage involved a flight of forty specially adapted Stealth bombers loaded with the powder and which took off from a secret location in Virginia. Radio Hams were able to pick up some signals but the reception was scrappy and only the call signs "Enola" and "Little boy" could be discerned among the static and another phrase though to be "dumpin' the fudge".

On Friday last, emergency communications from China went out to the UN and aid agencies World-wide for help in dealing with the aftermath of an enormous storm of what was later identified as faeces, which led to chaos as parts of the country were inundated with up to ten meters of the stuff.

This caused traffic chaos in towns and cities and much loss of life in the countryside where peasants were working in fields. Roofs collapsed and buildings were demolished and the whole transport and industrial infrastructure has been brought to a standstill. Ports and Airports are blocked and travel in ant out is virtually impossible.

We got through to Sha Giu Tiu the interior Minister after several hours. He was trapped under fallen masonry in a brothel in Beijing but had luckily left his mobile on.

"All is velly smerry alound here! What yu mean failed expeliment, what expeliment? I know nothing about cloud seeding. This is National disaster, Amelican pig dump deep shit on Chinese Government. Great shame. No no international anti-desert campaign, no, China velly gleen much glass evelywhere always but now no can see it for shit.

"Capitalist pig wage shit war on gleat people of China. What? Hey you on terryphone, someone just tell me that people revolting evelywhere, throw shit at president call for generlal erection, oh no this end of gleat Communist Industlial Ploduction era. Ho Fuk, No!...No, I not speaky to you dirty shit-covered plostitute I speak on terryphone to man flom Ord Scientist in Ingrand."

At this point the phone line went dead.

Scientific Errors poo poo'd by CIA

We asked Heinz Beenz what had gone wrong.

"Iz possible zat ze Chinese food waste get changed in atmosphere. Action of bacterias perhaps but ve having to many more experiment do to be zure."

Pr. Schitte was jubilant,

"Cain't unnerstan' the fuckin' secrecy, why, ifn they had tole me what they wanted instead o' stickin' me under the fuckin' grill we coudda had them unner seventy feet o' Jack. Why cain't those coonass secret squirrels never say what they really want?"

After days of phoning the Headquaters in Virginia we finally managed to speak to a man from the CIA he said his name was agent Ray Ban.

When asked about this catastrophic scientific error he replied.

"Error Sir? I'm not sure what you are talking about Sir. It seems to me that everything has turned out just fine an dandy. In fact did you know that Pr. Schitte and Pr. Beenz have been nominated for the Nobel Prize in chemistry? And by the way Sir we know who you are and where you live"

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