Children taught to snort aspartame in kindergarten

Police, according to Captain Uttynien, have traced epic drug use to the teachers at local high schools. They have been using aspartame as a replacement for methylphenidate. ADD is rampant here. Students reportedly have been "thinking outside the box", "coloring outside the line", and being "overly individualistic", according to police.

Due to the economic problems here, teachers have stopped at fast food establishments and brought back to classrooms packets of sweeteners containing aspartame.

They then teach the students how to snort these in order to get "high". The students are told it is "getting high". In fact, it just serves as a replacement for the expensive methylphenidate normally given to the majority of male students in order to mentally castrate them for serious study.

Word of the aspartame snorting has spread to the street (Google aspartame snorting), causing a run on aspartame and a spike in profits for the drug manufacturers.

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