Police IQ diminishing daily - Judge Blasts police inclusion policies leading to Increase in Special Needs Recruits wasting the Court's time.

A top Judge today spoke out about the waste of Court time brought about by the Police Force's insistence on the employment of Policemen with special needs and the overall lack of educational standards of modern police recruits.

"This is the hundredth time I've had to throw out a case because of something like this."

Said Mr. Justice Wigg at the St. Albans Quarter Sessions roundly chiding a dyslexic Policeman Constable Dick Head, who had arrested two men for shopfitting and counter fitting in Harrods,:

"The criminalisation of innocent people has been brought about by letting any Tom, Dick or Harry like you become a policeman just for the sake of inclusion policies and misguided political correctness. You have now arrested two men for shopfitting not heeding my warning to you from previous cases you brought before me, when a certain guilty verdict failed on a violent lorry driver who you charged with HGB instead of GBH. You compound this ignominy too by charging a punk with tatty jeans with affray! If this goes on I shall charge you for contempt and wasting the Court's time."

He explained to our reporter:

"We are now expected to try cases brought by Policemen with La Tourette's syndrome who prefix everything they say with 'Evening all, fuck you stick your head up your allo, allo, allo, arses you sons of bitches' and who then arrest people for a public order offense because they tell them to fuck off! I would probably tell exactly the same to a policeman who spoke to me like that."

"Then there are the ones with Asperger's syndrome who are probably very knowledgeable about drains or the serial numbers of garden spades but they will take ages to tell their story in Court.

'I was proceeding in a west south-westerly direction at twenty one hundred hours ten minutes 3.89715555 seconds just on the left of the centre of the footpath that leads down to the canal but not so left that I could touch the grass verge with my truncheon' but about three inches to the right of a Mk1 Draino drain cover, manufactured in 1969, and so on. It takes ages and costs the Court system millions to listen until they get to the point. They are usually very precise with the charges which is useful, but the principal problem remains."

It is just not punny says Beak

The magistrates are not much better according to the Judge. Normally a case would not go further than a police court but so many people plead not guilty because of the strange charges that Magistrates are forced to put them through the Criminal Courts. Again it is the inclusion policies that select magistrates from minority groups that lead to problems. He explained:

"A magistrate selected from the Travelling Roma community, doesn't understand the difference between shoplifting and shopfitting, because his literacy needs are just as special as the coppers, probably even more acute'. His Court advisors daren't tell him because they'll get hauled in for racism. He also sees nothing wrong with letting someone off for stealing lead from a church roof. It is a cultural and moral divide that will see the death of the Justice system as we know it."

"I'm sure it must cause no end of trauma for some, particularly for the little girl who told one policeman who asked why she was crying. She said she had fallen on her knee. He arrested her for a felony. Another policeman asked an old lady who was having trouble breathing if she would like to sit down. She said no and found herself in the cells overnight for resisting a rest! Then there was a group of Boy Scouts arrested for loitering within tent. I don't know whether it is over zealousness, special needs or just plain ignorance but it will have to stop or they'll be arresting cleaners for going equipped for grime next or Turf Accountants with aiding betting. Not to mention a butter maker for being an accessory before the fat.

"One of the most embarrassing cases was during a royal visit where a constable arrested one of the Household Cavalry musicians for buglery. Then again, that might pale to insignificance when considering the arrest of a sleeping child for kidnapping, or a whole meeting of the sanitary porcelain manufacturers association as being a bunch of bidetphiles or even someone coming out of hospital cured of a stiff neck arrested for extorsion. The cells are full in most Cities' police stations with Jamaican and African men charged with blackmale and Indians and mixed race men for attempted blackmale.Even the Nobility isn't immune. One policeman stopped a bald Peer of the Realm for driving without duke hair. It gets worse! A person who spilled coffee in a donut shop was arrested for dunkin disorderly!"

Police offenses booked

The Judge has compiled a 1000 page dossier that he will submit for official scrutiny but he is pessimistic about its reception by the Commissioner of Police.

"He was the one who arrested the London Symphony Orchestra at a performance of Rossini's Thieving Magpie for Robbery with Violins! And there was the time he arrested the whole Fulham football team when they went one up over Chelsea, for "stealing a march". Oh, yes, you have to cover yourself up for a visit to the Commissioner or he'll have you for being in possession arms! He even arrested a farmer in a field of oilseed for rape and a whole pharmacy full of people for being in possession of drugs.

"Who will you take your report to" we asked him

"It will have to be the head of an independent provincial force, one with some education"

"And what will you do with it?"

"I shall leave it on the Chief Constable. He can deal with it! I have no time to waste with idiots. I have to try a previous witness to another case; a hellfire preacher arrested for purgatory just because he had a headache and was lying on a Court bench!"

We have just heard that a questionnaire devised by the National Dyslexia Association will be applied to all new police recruits who will without exception be subjected to this new DNA test.

It is gratifying to think that because of this, in the future there will be even less chance of the author of an article such as this one being done on a mans laughter charge!

_{Make Lynton's day - rate this story with the stars, they're just down there!}