The Queen's Speech - Reported in Advance by Spoof Clairvoyant

Rumours have been issuing from Buckingham Palace for some time since the Government leaked the last Queen's speech, that the Monarch is less than satisfied with the running of her realm.

Spoof Clairvoyant Kristal Boyle has provided me with the surprising speech that Her Majesty will deliver tomorrow

Tons of letters from concerned citizens

The annual speech at the State Opening of Parliament that normally sets the agenda was however thrown into disarray when Her Majesty stood, nodded to one of the Commanders of the Guard, at which sign he ostentatiously locked the door of the Lords' Chamber. The Duke of Edinburgh drew his ceremonial sword.

My insider said

"We have received literally tons, amounting to millions of letters, from loyal subjects complaining about the standards of Government, as well as the lack of probity and downright cupidity of the majority of members of Parliament. Many have also complained about the intrusive nature of the legislation of the current Government that has resulted in the gradual erosion of freedoms and privacy that British Citizens have traditionally enjoyed for hundreds of years. All have complained concerning the duplictousness and mendaciousness displayed not only by the refusal to honour their engagement made in the manifesto for a referendum on Europe but also which have involved us in a war that has dangerously destabilised the Middle East. In fact it has only been by the answering of each letter in her own hand that Her Majesty has been able to prevent rioting and mayhem in the streets."

It is a tradition of a non-constitutional Monarchy that the Queen and the Royal Family do not involve themselves in Politics or interfere with the process of Government. However, the situation had become so acute that the Queen called secret meetings with the Chiefs of Staff of the Armed forces of which she is still the Official Head and to who all soldiers swear allegiance.

Lords and Commons locked in - Queen reads riot act

Completely ignorant of what was taking place outside of the Chamber, there was shuffling of feet inside as the usually rowdy and disrespectful chattering Members of the Commons mumbled embarrassedly.

Fixing him with a steely gaze, Her Majesty began, her Gracious Speech by descending the steps and snatching the official pouch from Jack Straw the Justice Secretary. She remounted the steps and stood on the dais, her look scanning the assembly.

"My Government has given me with their usual condescension a speech to make which will outline yet again how they plot together planning the ruin of this Great Country in which we live. They have reduced it and its people to a laughing stock. They have surrendered our sovereignty into the hands of a corrupt European dictatorship, with the complicity of those in "opposition" and against the manifest will of its people. They have shown repeated cowardice in their dealings with foreign states, even those traditionally considered to be friendly towards us. They have stood by while one of our Commonwealth of Nations has been plundered to ruin and its subjects murdered in their beds. It has wasted it's time apologising for deeds of the past such as slavery, with no mention of the vile, inhuman, complicity of some the tribes of the countries from which the slaves were taken.

"It has committed insufficient armed forces and provided them with insufficient equipment to clear up the mess caused by their unholy alliance with an educationally subnormal American President which invaded a foreign nation with no thought whatsoever of the consequences for that nation's innocent people and World peace.

"It has connived explicitly or by omission with unscrupulous financiers, participants in a National and World economy that has no sound rational economic basis except in the laws of chance. It has been present at the bursting of this impossible bubble and has relied on the ignorance of ordinary people who have no notion of how the world economy is run and who were blinded to the impossibility of rising property prices by banks ever willing to lend them money they had no glimmer of a chance of repaying. It has printed many billions of pounds to inject into the economy which will reap a future legacy of inflation and further promote their intention to dissolve our nation into a federally and corruptly governed European super state which will benefit nobody but themselves.

Criminalisation of Children

"It has turned the people of Britain into insipient informers. It has politicised the Police and directly participated in the indiscriminate criminalisation of law-abiding individuals, even for daring to voice their opinions on the injustice of such a situation. It has criminalised children for innocent remarks and actions that are best treated by no action. It has assured a situation where the people of Britain no longer trust those who Govern them nor each other nor those entrusted to uphold law and order.

"It has populated this country with strangers with no thought of controlling the pace and made its own people feel foreign in their own land. It has enacted legislation to defeat all criticism which it treats as racism for which the penalty is prison. It alleviates the already overstretched Prison Service by allowing the early release of violent criminals on to the streets to terrorise the community.

"The people of this Nation are kind and welcoming people. We have welcomed many to our shores from our Commonwealth and elsewhere. We had reached a situation where the subsequent generations feel themselves to be British, which indeed they are. Yet by their actions our Government has alienated some of these British people and turned them into terrorists and they have turned the rest, the same kind and welcoming people, into a nation of xenophobes, by disregard and disrespect for both their needs and beliefs.

"Our system of non-Constitutional Government was instituted by Oliver Cromwell a Huntingdonshire gentleman farmer to combat similar abuses by the Head of State at that time and who, to the Monarchy's enduring shame, believed himself to be above the Law. I will remind you of Cromwell's words to the Long Parliament, just one of the first faltering steps on the road to our formerly great Parliamentary system that you have shamed in the grossest fashion and to which you have flagrantly laid waste it is one of the clearest ad greatest orations of all time and I will not seek to better it I will just state it to you."

It is high time for me to put an end to your sitting in this place, which you have dishonoured by your contempt of all virtue, and defiled by your practice of every vice; ye are a factious crew, and enemies to all good government; ye are a pack of mercenary wretches, and would like Esau sell your country for a mess of pottage, and like Judas betray your God for a few pieces of money.

Is there a single virtue now remaining amongst you? Is there one vice you do not possess? Ye have no more religion than my horse; gold is your God; which of you have not barter'd your conscience for bribes? Is there a man amongst you that has the least care for the good of the Commonwealth?

Ye sordid prostitutes have you not defil'd this sacred place, and turn'd the Lord's temple into a den of thieves, by your immoral principles and wicked practices? Ye are grown intolerably odious to the whole nation; you were deputed here by the people to get grievances redress'd, are yourselves gone! So! Take away that shining bauble there, and lock up the doors.

In the name of God, go!

"Most dishonourable ladies and gentlemen of Parliament whilst you have been sitting there, a sadly insufficient armed force has been fighting Taliban in Afghanistan and you shall rue the day that you layed our Armed Forces open to ridicule and ignominy.

"In the weeks leading up to this day, I have received the Chiefs of Staff and I have engaged the cooperation due under solemn oath in order to protect this country from the enemies that currently assail us. When the doors are opened you will be received, each party, by members of my Armed Forces who will escort you to the Royal Albert Hall in armoured convoy. I have signed an Act of Dissolution. You will declare a General Election to take place on the 12th January 2010. You will include in your single manifesto the people solemnly sworn intention to repeal acts, statutes and legislation of all kinds that have taken away my subjects' civil freedoms and which have surrendered our national Sovereignty of action. You will provide a bill of rights for our citizens to be observed in perpetuity.

"In the very unlikely case that unrest should break out in any town or city, the Police force will be mobilised under supervision of the Armed Forces, to whom they have been attach by my command, and to who Martial Law will apply for the duration of this emergency.

"All those of you who decline this opportunity to restore our Nation to greatness and to reinstate closer ties with our Commonwealth of Nations will be escorted to a military prison in a secret location, which ironically was once the site of temporary imprisonment for foreign nationals denied their most basic human rights in this and other countries, en route to torture and death in squalid holes in countries less civilised than our own where barbarian methods were used by evil proxy with both your complete consent and knowledge."

Pinch yourselves - you will not wake up

"I will be making a statement to our Nation this evening at eight o'clock to explain myself to the Nation and to apologise for having not acted earlier."

"This is a Spoof !"Cried Steven Bercow the Commons' Speaker.

With a regality and grace so characteristic of Her Majesty, she fixed Bercow with her blue eyes over the top of her reading glasses and said,

"I am glad you find it funny Mr. Bercow, I do not, and nor do my subjects; arrest that man Commander of the Guard.

As for the rest of you I would remind you that spoofers only dream dreams of whimsy, and revolution. They only use parody and satire because there is something worthy of the vitriol of their pens to expose ashumbug or infamy or hold up to ridicule. This however, is very, very real gentlemen. Pinch yourselves as hard as you may, you will not wake up, the time to wake up is long past."

The whole country was dancing in the streets later that afternoon as the news spread and thousands of people crowded the Mall up to Buckingham Palace shouting God Save Our Queen!

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