Woman who has 300 Orgasms a day meets Mr. Right -Now living with Chimp in Zaire.

A woman who orgasms 300 times per day has at last found her ideal partner according to today's News of the Screws.

The Queen of come

When Michelle Thomson say she's coming she doesn't mean shell be right along, she means, "wait five minutes while I squirm with pleasure and I can't guarantee even then that my labes rubbing when I walk over or thevibration of the traffic won't get me rolling on the floor". So when we met her to find out her story we didn't dare order cucumber sandwiches or a bottle of anything. She can have an orgasm, literally at the drop of a hat. However, when she walked in she looked and behaved perfectly normal.

"I suppose you were expecting some screaming, cock-hungry nympho but just for this interview my gynaecologist gave me an injection of novocaine in my vagina to numb me up for a couple of hours. Be careful what you say though I've got a very active imagination."

We got our interview eventually after having made the mistake of ordering a carrot cake and a chocolate eclair. Finally the waitress cleaned up the drool and it was decided that a cup of tea and a macarroon would cause no trouble.

Insurance Man Charmed by Pussy Flap

We asked her how her "disability" affected her everyday life.

"It's a bit of a nuisance, most women will do the housework singing along to the radio but once my hoover gets humming, I end up on he floor with it. It's alright if I'm using the thing for cleaning the radiators, but 've had to call the ambulance several times to be taken to A&E to get one or other of the brushes out. It has its advantages though, the brushes are quite sticky now and they pick up fluff a treat."

"One day the Insurance man came round for his weekly payment and I'd just had a little door put in for the cat to go in and out. The Insurance man was really impressed and said "that's a nice flap you've got for your pussy". Well, that got me so horny; poor bloke didn't know what hit him."

"Excuse me do you think you could ask that man on the next table to stop eating that stick of celery like that? Oh no it's OK I forgot about the injection, but I do have to be so careful. When I'm on the loo I can't tell whether I am coming or going sometimes."

"I'm not even sure whether I'll keep the cat flap because when kitty's head starts poking through it, I start getting a bit twitchy lately."

Michelle, who suffers from continuous sexual arousal syndrome has worn out a string of boyfriends who can't keep up with her need for sex up to ten times an hour. She has been banned from greengrocers, supermarkets and off licenses nationwide after several embarrassing incidents. However, on a recent trip to Zaire everything changed when she met Ndongo.

Bonobo boner

Ndongo is the alpha-male of her dreams, the hairy black stallion with enough stamina to tire her out, he is a Bonobo, a Pygmy Chimpanzee. She described their meeting:

"When I went to Zaire on holiday it was for a Safari, I didn't expect to meet Mr. Right but when they took us to the Bonobo colony in the forest I knew I had come home to cum home, I knew that was where I was going to spend the rest of my life."

Bobobo society is sex-based. Relationships, politics and social position, dominance and submission are all governed and negociated by sex or simulated sex. No wonder it is Michelle's idea of orgasm heaven. She continued:

"Well, when I saw what they got up to I just flung off all my clothes and joined in. They all piled on, but Ndongo was so gallant. He waggled his cock at them and they all ran off and then he came and gave me one like I'd never had before."

When will you be getting married?

"Don't be daft, Chimps don't get married, it's a free for all. The Zaire authorities said to me I could get up to whatever I wanted in the jungle, screw an elephant if I liked, because much worse things happen in Brazzavile."

What do the neighbours think?

"Mrs. Lewis next door, she said 'bon bleedin' voyage, now perhaps we'll get some bloody sleep'. Mr. Jones on the other side said he was sorry to see me go and how much he'd enjoyed helping me when I got into a bit of a scrape with a banana on the sun lounger."

TV Zoologist taught me a few tricks

How have you prepared for your trip, it is a remarkable step to change your culture like this.

"I went to see Sir David Carbon-Footprint to find out all about them and we had a sexy afternoon eating fruit, swinging from the bannisters and hanging from the light fittings. We had to be careful because he is over eighty. But he scored twelve times in only half an hour; he's surprisingly fit for an old 'un and better than the scout troop I had the previous Sunday.

"If you'll excuse me my plane leaves at seven in the morning.

"Damn, the anaesthetic's wearing off.

" Anyway it's up at cock-crow tomorrow for me, oh no, cock-crow oh yes! oh yes! Cock! That's it yes! Cock! Oh God! Oh God, Oh oho oh ohohohoho ooooooooooooooooh!"

We called the waitress, paid, made our excuses and left her to clean up.

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