New mosquito device "will infect teenagers with malaria"

Following the success of the Mosquito anti-teenager alarm, which works by emitting a high-pitched sound that only teenagers can hear, the company responsible has produced its new Mark III version. This works by releasing thousands of real mosquitoes infected with malaria. Having been bitten by the mosquitoes, the teenagers will then go to develop the disease, which can result in renal failure, coma and death, within 6-14 days, thus making it impossible for them to hang around in anti-social gangs.

The manufacturers of the device, Klansmen SS Holdings, say it has a 90% success rate. "The target, or 'teenager', will, once bitten, start to develop cyclical occurrences of sudden coldness followed by rigor and then fever and sweating lasting four to six hours," said Mr. A.M.Frei, manager director of the company. "Charlie won't want to hang with his filthy compadres no more when the vomiting and convulsions kick in".

Child support groups have criticised these latest efforts to curb teenage behaviour. However, many have welcomed moves to curb the behaviour of teenagers having seen strategies such as ASBOs and curfews fail. Mrs Doris Nokia-6300, chairman of the Residents Association of Nottingham said, "We would like to see more teenagers off the streets, cowering in their homes with bleeding ears, retching and shivering as they slide into comas. Anything to make Britain a more pleasant place to live in".