Christmas Shopping Halted!

Shoppers in Birmingham's City Centre were confronted by the spectacular vision of the city's Arts Czar this morning. As they feebly attempted to keep their minds on their Christmas shopping their imaginations were captured by the charismatic figure of Theodore Parker Bowles, Birmingham's Arts Czar since 2000.

Wearing nothing but his specially commissioned pink latex body suit, accessorised with juxtaposing vivid blue codpiece and shimmering nipple tassels, Parker Bowles strutted his stuff along Corporation Street between 10 and 11 am, hoisting a placard demanding "Attention for THE ARTS".

Theodore was there to promote Damien Damnation's controversial new production entitled Look At Me, I Get Funding. Readers will remember that Damien's controversial production last year, entitled Excuses and Blame was cut short because of its finale when Damien, who had inserted razor blades into his torso's flesh for the first fifty-five minutes of the show, painted his piss-primed canvas with the words "ecstasy" and "plum", using the medium of his burgeoning blood before collapsing. Unfortunately he lay there for a further fifty-five minutes as there was some confusion among its audience as to whether the collapse was part of the performance.

"Look At Me, I Get Funding brings Winterval salvation for ALL, even you Birmingham's PLEBS", screeched Theodore as he handed out free interval drinks vouchers for the production to the seemingly embarrassed Christmas shoppers along New Street. "They always look like that" he confided to me later.

At 11.15am, exactly to schedule, Theodore, still attired in the costume described above which had split (as planned) to reveal his left buttock, straddled the Running Bull bronze statue in Birmingham's prestigious Bull Ring Shopping Centre. Thus bent over, a piece of everyday string(symbolising the touch-paper of Birmingham's Arts Revolution) was, as if by magic, produced from the split and unfurled in procession from Birmingham's bull to the pillars of the newly refurbished Town Hall, where it was lit by the chosen dinner lady, a factory worker and a data entry clerk (there to symbolise Birmingham plebeians). The procession, now headed by Damien Damnation, fused the Irish jig with 80s disco dancing, to celebrate cultural synergy along the return route. All halted ten feet from the pink latexed figure, bent revealing its single buttock and watched in silence as the flame crept ever closer towards its target.

When Birmingham's brave fire-fighters blasted foam over the burning buttocks of Birmingham's Art Czar there was some confusion in the crowd as to the role the fire-fighters (in full ceremonial uniform) played. I can confirm that they were there to spray the foam which symbolised the imminent "awakening" moment when Birmingham, England, will lead the World's Art Revolution.

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